Parents’ horror as toddler learns to spell

There are renewed fears that Britain’s pre-school children may have managed to decode their parents’ secret method of communication today, after it emerged that a Nuneaton toddler has learned to spell.

‘Spellspeak’, used by parents to communicate over the heads of their young offspring, has been seen as a ‘safe bet’ since time immemorial, according to sociologist Dr. Margret North. ‘It’s a quick and easy way of encoding the more contentious aspects of your conversation.’

‘Rather than mentioning, for example, ‘sex’ in front of your two year-old, you simply spell out S, E and X – that way you can defer those more awkward and embarrassing questions that your children suddenly throw at you,’ she explained. ‘However, it was only a matter of time before our naturally curious toddlers evolved to counter this tactic.’

Kyle Shortbury, 18 months, shocked onlookers after his mother, in an attempt to wean him off his pacifier, told his father to hide his D.U.M.M.Y in a kitchen drawer, to which the toddler replied ‘no, Kyle dummy now!’ ‘I was both proud and appalled,’ said his grandmother, ‘I always knew he was an intelligent little lad, but this took the biscuit, or B.I.S.K.I.T as we call them.’

Reports of literate toddlers have since appeared in other parts of the country, forcing parents to take desperate measures to ensure that their children are excluded from their conversations. Colleges have reported a dramatic uptake in French and Spanish evening classes, while the National Esperanto Society has tripled its membership.

‘We’ve also seen a tenfold rise in the American ‘ish-nay’ technique,’ claimed a leading linguist; ‘for example ‘ish-nay on daddy’s drinking problem-ay’.’ However British children are already adapting to this new challenge, with one 2 year-old being on record as telling his parents ‘to stop talking B.O.L.L.O.C.K.S-ay.’

Published in: on April 15, 2010 at 12:35 pm  Leave a Comment  
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