Relief as Hitler clone turns out to be a complete bastard

Far-right extremists are breathing a sigh of relief today, after the worlds only living clone of fascist leader Adolf Hitler was officially labelled a ‘complete bastard’ by his peers.

Nigel Hitler, 51, was originally cloned from cells taken from the Fuehrer’s brain by a secret cabal of Nazi scientists in Buenos Aires during the 1950’s, before being smuggled into the UK to be raised by suitably middle-class foster parents. According to recently declassified reports, his creators originally worried that their would-be √úbermensch was turning into ‘a rather personable young man, as opposed to the sexually repressed outsider seething with resentment we were hoping for.’

One report criticised his oratory skills, detailing how ‘Hitler MKII’ singularly failed to rouse any book-burning mobs or jackbooted military formations with fiery rhetoric during his teenage years. ‘He shows absolutely no sign of rabid anti-Semitism,’ one observer wrote. ‘He exhibits little in the way of an iron-willed determinism to conquer Europe, eschews a decent side-parting and refuses point-blank to grow a toothbrush moustache.’

However, Nigel’s descent into middle-aged has raised the hopes of many right-wing British nationalists. ‘He’s a lot more curmudgeonly nowadays,’ claimed local BNP activist ‘Commandant’ Rodney Burridge. ‘Regularly complaining about the noise his neighbours make, waiting until they put the washing out before burning his garden waste and putting whitewashed stones on the grass verge outside his house so that no-one can park there – it’s not exactly Kristallnacht, but it’s a start – the Fifth Reich can’t be too far around the corner now.’

Once-sympathetic neighbours who originally ascribed this change to the pressures and daily grind of everyday life, now subscribe to the notion that Hitler has simply become a bastard. ‘He’s a right nasty piece of work,’ complained one nearby housewife. ‘I know he’s got a big mortgage and marriage problems, but since I caught him chasing our cat off his back lawn with a hosepipe, I won’t let the kids anywhere near him.’

Others blame a recent career change, when financial problems forced a move from the part-time voluntary sector into a full time job as a traffic warden. ‘He’s transmogrified into your typically officious, small-minded jobsworth public servant,’ a former colleague noted; ‘it’s true what they say isn’t it? Give ’em a uniform and they think they’re Hitler.’

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Published in: on April 21, 2010 at 11:38 am  Leave a Comment  
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