Sleaze exclusive! ‘My uneventful evening with Top Lord’

A pretty 23 year-old former civil servant has told of her ‘pleasant, yet uneventful’ evening with a top Tory peer 62 years her senior.

Stunning brunette Michelle Warnstone first met Lord Cambersham, an expert in Far Eastern horticulture and a member of DEFRA’s East-Asian Advisory Committee, while working as a junior researcher for the agricultural ministry. ‘Straight away I knew there was a spark between us,’ she revealed, ‘I’ll never forget the way he barely acknowledged me in that Whitehall corridor.’

According to Ms. Warnstone, further clandestine meetings followed; ‘he’d call me into his office on a daily basis, usually to ask for the latest figures on UNESCO’s East Timor reforestation project,’ claims the shapely divorcee, ‘during all that talk of root balls and seed drills he never showed the slightest flicker of desire, but deep inside his heart was racing as fast as mine. I knew he was married but while it seemed so wrong it felt so right.’

After months of secret courtship, Lord Cambersham finally seized the initiative by inviting the attractive Glaswegian to an intimate supper at a high-class London venue. ‘It was just me and him – alone at last, with only 300 or so fellow delegates of the Annual Common Agricultural Policy Symposium between us. The air in that conference centre was electric.’

However, after being wined and dined at the buffet table at the back of the hall, Michelle’s dreams of passion were to be cruelly dashed when former animal feeds distributor Cambersham brushed left without so much as a single glance or gentle caress. ‘He just upped and went, paying more attention to those paramedics and their defibrillator than me, the love of his life.’

‘I was distraught – the only way to ease the pain was to tell my story to the tabloid journalist who’d tried to set me up with him in the first place. All I have left now are my memories – his lingering glances, his casual flirting asides, oh, and that time David Cameron took me up the arse during a Tory party conference, but no-one want’s to hear about that do they?’

Published in: on May 24, 2010 at 8:34 am  Leave a Comment  
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FIFA: ‘English world cup bid scribbled on with crayon’

The England’s 2018 world cup hopes have suffered yet another blow today, after governing body FIFA returned the FA’s bid book, complaining that it had been ‘defaced with substantial amounts of childish scribbling’.

The 1,752 page dossier, handed to FIFA president Sepp Blatter by soccer legend David Beckham in Zurich last week, has purportedly been covered with a number of immature doodles, including a crude crayon drawing of a stick figure woman with large breasts. ‘The originator obviously has some affection for this figure,’ complained a FIFA spokesman, ‘judging by the amount of X kisses drawn next to it.’

In addition, a number of graphs detailing the seating capacity of England’s major stadiums has been coloured in, while a section highlighting the bid’s eco credentials has simply been overwritten with the word ‘boring’ in large capital letters.

The back cover of the book has also been defaced; bearing a large Chad labelled ‘wot no kickbacks?’ The document also includes an arrow-pierced love heart bearing the legend ‘Lord T 4 Mel’, with the ‘Mel’ crossed out and replaced by the words, written in more legible handwriting, ‘sneaky bitch’.

World Cup Bid 2018/2022 has been beset with problems from the outset, with several members of the bid team falling out over the exact format of the dossier. ‘Most of us were happy with the layout of the book,’ said one anonymous FA insider, ‘but one high-profile person kept insisting on a pop-up, or at least lift-the-flap, version.’

The English FA has staunchly defended its bid team against accusations of tampering, maintaining that none of the books were taken out of their packaging during the flight to Zurich. Meanwhile, newly installed FA bid leader Geoff Thompson is said to be grilling the chief executive of Jacobprint, the company responsible for printing the document; and was last seen taking the 37-year-old privately educated economics and biology graduate out to lunch at RusOlé!, the trendy restaurant that she part-owns with a Spanish-Russian business associate.

Published in: on May 19, 2010 at 8:58 am  Leave a Comment  
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Campaign for Real Alcopops blasts ‘beerification’ of Britain’s pubs

CAMRAP, the pressure group dedicated to the preservation and promotion of sugary alcopops, has publicly hit out against what it sees as the increasing ‘beerification’ of the nations pubs and bars.

The Yeovil-based consumer organisation claims that the growing trend of cask ales, comfortable chairs and low-volume jukeboxes loaded with album-orientated rock is killing the traditional loud, neon day-glo ambiance of the average local. CAMRAP also singles out the rising number of avuncular landlords for displacing the nation’s surly, pimpled barmen: traditional vendors of bright orange alcoholic drinks.

‘All you can buy is this horrible brown sludge – Speckled this, Old Peculiar that – have you tried that stuff? Look behind a bar nowadays and you’ll see very little in the way of luminescent liquors with the appearance, and indeed taste, of antifreeze that we’ve all been brought up on.’ complained CAMRAP chairman Gary Andrews, 15.

CAMRAP have also blasted the shift in the pub-going demographic, blaming the ‘plague’ of over-30’s drinkers for frightening off legitimate customers. ‘It’s becoming increasingly difficult to get absolutely wasted and start a fight over someone else’s girlfriend, what with all these folk music evenings and quiz nights. Who cares what month the battle of Agincourt was fought on, or who sang Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep? People don’t go to pubs to be educated you know – that’s why we’re supposed to go to school.’

Andrews also singles out off-licenses for the demise in alcopops. ‘Offies must also share the blame: me and my mates went to buy some bottles of Fireball XL5 Vodka Shotz the other day, only to be told that they’d only sell it to a responsible adult! Well it’s a sad day for traditional British drinkers if they have to ask their dad to buy their alcohol for them – especially if their dad happens to be playing bar billiards at the Rose and Crown and has turned his mobile off – bastard.’

Published in: on May 19, 2010 at 8:56 am  Leave a Comment  
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