Wallace and Gromit makers branch out into porn

Aardman Animations, the production company behind the popular Wallace and Gromit films, as well as the movie Chicken Run and children’s television show Shaun the Sheep, has announced that it is diversifying its output by branching out into pornography.

‘It’s an uncertain time for film makers, especially those in niche markets such as us,’ said head animator Derek Plumridge. ‘The demand for quirky British clay animation is steadily falling as the people who commission such things tighten their belts, whereas the demand for hard-core pornography has sky-rocketed. It’s only logical that we turn our talents towards getting a slice of that red-hot plasticine pie.’

‘Hard Cheese’, Aardman’s first adult production, tells the tale of Cuthbert Clutterbuck, a mild-mannered inventor who stumbles upon a plot by evil dominatrix Jemima Jello to replace the world’s entire stock of his beloved Wensleydale cheese with Jello’s own brand of processed ‘plasticheese’. ‘In the course of his adventures he meets cheese aficionado Beryl Brie – a girl after his own heart,’ Plumridge revealed, ‘it’s essentially a love story – but with lots of clay-mation sex, obviously.’

However industry insiders have reported that the filming has already been plagued with problems. ‘Creating a sex scene using the stop-motion technique is a painstaking and time-consuming business,’ admitted Plumridge. ‘Each pelvic thrust can take over five hours to complete as the model’s groin is slowly inched forward. When you take into consideration the effort it takes to get a character’s gurning expression exactly right, the lead up to the money-shot can take weeks.’

‘The technical aspects of the movie are also proving rather irksome,’ he continued, ‘as we are having to modulate Jane Horrocks’ orgasmic squeals down to a pitch where they don’t sound like a mouse on helium, while it’s taking much longer than anticipated to lube up each three inch high figurine – and don’t get me started on fluffing with tweezers.’

It has also been alleged that the production team has also had troubles with some of the voiceover cast; most notably veteran actor Peter Sallis. ‘It is true that Peter has issues with the script, but you must remember that this isn’t exactly his usual line of work. Trying to say ‘yeah baby, take it in the ass, eurgh, eurgh’ and make it sound convincing, whilst maintaining an aura of gentle northern homeliness is no mean feat for any actor, let alone an nonogenarian.’

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Published in: on August 31, 2010 at 2:31 pm  Leave a Comment  
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BBC running out of attractive female historians

BBC bosses are holding crisis talks today, after a recent survey of the corporation’s assets revealed what was described as a ‘crippling shortage of attractive female historians.’

Staff discovered the shortfall while cataloguing Broadcasting House’s stock of television presenters. ‘Even a quick stock-take revealed that, while we are up to our necks in bubbly and over-enthusiastic children’s TV presenters, charmingly smug quiz show hosts and controversially outspoken automotive frontmen,’ said a BBC auditor, ‘our reserves of thinking man’s totty are dangerously low.’

Attractive female academics such as historian Bettany Hughes have long been the mainstay of BBC documentaries and science programs. ‘David Attenborough and Robert Winston may well add that air of authority and gravitas so essential to modem-day documentary making,’ wrote producer David Sharpe of the BBC Natural History unit, ‘but when it comes to spelunking down a Neanderthal burial pit eye in a tight-fitting wetsuit they’re nowhere near as easy-on-the-eye as Dr. Alice Roberts – that’s one osteoarchaeologist you wouldn’t mind dusting your remains!’

Social commentators are blaming the change in women’s career aspirations for the shortfall, with many female graduates breaking into the traditionally male reserves such as invention, design and research. ‘When I finished my doctorate in mechanical engineering and robotics, it was either a job in the automotive industry or as the eye-candy in Scrapheap Challenge or at least the Gadget Show,’ revealed a recently qualified academic. ‘Fame and glamour or a lifetime designing engine management systems – it was a no-brainer as far as I was concerned.’

According to one media insider, BBC bigwigs are desperate to address the shortfall: ‘Auntie Beeb spends an awful lot of money on these flagship programs, so it’s vital that the viewing figures repay this investment. Art historian Dr. Nina Ramirez can be guaranteed to attract at least an extra 20% to the audience of any boring old documentary on renaissance portraiture, while Zoologist Dr Charlotte Uhlenbroek does wonders for anything with monkeys in it.’

Equality campaigners have blasted the BBC’s dependence on attractive scientists, with even employees within their own ranks questioning this policy. ‘It’s a sad state of affairs when we have to rely on good looks, rather than let a programs educational merit speak for itself,’ wrote Marion Chambers, the corporations Diversity Champion. ‘We’d be leading ourselves down an extremely dark alley if we were to continue with this – if it wasn’t for the fact that we could dip into our pool of weather girls, which is practically dripping with brainy quim.’

Published in: on August 31, 2010 at 2:28 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Dogs and mice come out in support of woman who binned cat

A Coventry woman who was filmed putting a household cat into a recycling bin and was subsequently pilloried by both the press and social networking sites, has found an unusual ally in the form of the nations dogs and mice.

Mary Bale, 45, has had to contend not only with angry mobs outside her house, but also a ‘Death to Mary Bale’ Facebook site. Reacting to this ‘overreaction to a moment of madness’, Britain’s canine population has pledged to support the woman. ‘It’s terrible that someone who is obviously rather lonely and confused should be treated in this manner over something simple as binning a stupid old cat,’ growled one Rottweiler, ‘I’ve mauled hundreds of the buggers over the years but you don’t see hoards of idiots baying for blood outside my kennel do you?’

Bale has also had several messages of support from mice: ‘It’s about time someone stood up for the little people,’ one rodent proclaimed. ‘Cats have had it coming for centuries – what they’ve been doing to us mice amounts to an unreported genocide, yet when one of them gets tossed into a bin it’s all ‘ooh the poor thing!’ Poor thing my arse – chuck ’em all in I say.’

Reports have been flooding in of a number of dog or mice related incidents in the vicinity of Ms Bale’s home. A group from the Cat’s Protection League who attempted to make their displeasure known to Ms Bale was sent running by a pack of savage mastiffs, while a team of animal rights activists who attempted to batter down the door of Bale’s house with a team of elephants was thwarted by a single field mouse, which scattered the panicky pachyderms in all directions, flattening a community police officer in the process.

Fears of an escalation in the dog vs. cat vs. mouse conflict are acute today, after packs of heavily-clawed ‘self-defence committees’ of cats have been spotted throughout Warwickshire, vowing to avenge these perceived slights against felinekind. ‘The gloves are off now,’ one anonymous cat told reporters, ‘it’s mousetrap and frying pan time!’ There have also been unsubstantiated rumours that a large contingent of broom-wielding heavily-built Afro-American housekeepers yelling ‘Thomas!’ in the area.

Published in: on August 31, 2010 at 2:26 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Cameron ‘might not have a job to come back to’ after paternity leave

A senior parliamentary ombudsman has warned against David Cameron taking too much paternity leave following the birth of his fourth child, stating that the Prime Minister ‘might not have a job to come back to if he stays away for too long.’

Speaking on the BBC’s Hardtalk programme, Chief parliamentary commissioner Sir Michael Rattigan told presenter Stephen Sackur how Cameron should return to work as soon as possible. ‘I’m fed up of employees leaving us to have babies – chances are he’ll do what most of them do: have a nice little holiday whilst on the payroll and then hand his notice in just as soon as the parental leave runs out. Well I’m sorry but that’s not a chance I’m not prepared to take – come back now David or don’t come back at all.’

Sir Michael’s comments have been echoed by the Daily Mail, whose political editor blasted the Prime Minister’s absence from Downing Street. ‘It makes a mockery of every decent working family if this sponger stays in Cornwall for any longer. It’s typical of today’s pampered and degenerate society that parents of new-born babies are allowed to swan about for weeks, if not months, leaving the rest of us to fund their easy-going lifestyle through our blood, sweat and tears. In all probability he only had the child to get priority for a council house anyway.’

A Tory party spokesman has admitted that many ministers have expressed concern over Cameron’s decision not to return to his post immediately. ‘The political vacuum he has created by his absence is very worrying. Even more worrying is that it was left to the LibDems have got a temp in. We all know what happens next don’t we? It happens in businesses up and down the country – the hired help gets her feet under the table while covering maternity leave and the next thing you know she’s on the list for the work’s Christmas do and has got her own parking space.’

Published in: on August 31, 2010 at 6:58 am  Leave a Comment  
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Iran takes on Microsoft with new Instant Messenger of Death system

Software developers in the Islamic Republic of Iran have entered the fray in the battle of social networking services with the unveiling of its home-grown ‘Karrar’ Instant Messenger of Death communications system.

Speaking at Karrar’s launch ceremony at a military bunker in Tehran, President Ahmadinejad praised the new instant messaging program: ‘We must make efforts to render all the enemy’s communicators useless with our messaging potential. The Instant Messenger of Death is a messenger of honour and human generosity and a saviour of mankind – providing that all of mankind is using an operating system no older than Windows XP.’

‘The Karrar Instant Messenger of Death has all the features a user would normally expect of an online communications package, including basic text messaging, voice and video chat options,’ revealed the president. ‘The system also boasts a sophisticated peer-to-peer functionality, enabling the user to share files such as photos, MP3s and 500lb precision bombs from a range of 1,000 kilometres. This enables us to reach out to countries on our buddy list – like Israel, to take a completely random example.’

Ahmadinejad was keen to highlight the fun side of the Instant Messenger of Death by demonstrating the wide range of emoticons available. ‘As you can see – we have everything from winks and smileys to fist-shaking Ayatollahs declaring jihad against the imperialist western lackeys of the Great Satan – all designed to make your contact’s heads ROFL.’

Answering questions regarding the response of other regimes to this new system, Ahmadinejad was bullish: ‘There are many nations that are jealous of our technological prowess, but anyone worried about sending flaming anti-American rhetoric can rest assured. Simply change your user status to ‘appear offline’ and you can avoid all retaliatory sanctions.’

The unveiling of the Instant Messenger of Death then culminated with the surprise announcement that the President would celebrate the occasion by personally ordering the launch of 500 previously hidden nuclear missiles at strategic targets in Europe, America and the Holy Land via the system: ‘I hereby send a message to our enemies that- pardon? What do you mean program not responding? Have you tried control-alt-delete? Look up the error code then, or try turning it off and back on again then.’

Published in: on August 31, 2010 at 6:56 am  Leave a Comment  
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Edward VIII ‘still officially King of Great Britain’

A routine catalogue of official paperwork at Buckingham Palace has left the British monarchy in disarray today; after archivists discovered that the abdication of King Edward VIII in 1936 was not correctly ratified, placing the 116 year old former monarch squarely back on the throne.

General Sir Horace Porter-Mainwaring, Privy Master of the Royal Scrolls, made the startling find while poring through a box of pre-war papers relating to the constitutional crisis of Edward’s determination to marry a divorcee commoner: ‘I came across Edward’s official application of abdication – the form which all monarchs must fill in if they wish to give up the throne. The application had been duly approved by Prime Minister Stanley Baldwin and ratified by the prime ministers of Britain’s dominions, the Viceroy of India and other imperial officials.’

However Sir Horace also found that one of the witnesses, the governor of British Barotseland, had failed to keep his signature within the box as specified. ‘This effectively made the document totally invalid, but I suspect that the signatories were so united in their dislike for Wallis Simpson that they chose to overlook the error. However, without calling into question my professional integrity and loyalty to the Queen, I cannot.’

Government advisors are understood to be gently breaking the news to the Duke of Windsor, as Edward is currently known, at his retirement home in East Grinstead. ‘It’ll be a painstaking job as he’s extremely old and not as sharp as he used to be,’ revealed a his carer. ‘But give it a day or two and once the news sinks in he’ll definitely be up for it – though the court will have to be moved to somewhere nice like Bexhill-on-Sea or Sidmouth and the Prime Minister will have to get used to being called Mosley.’

Plans are currently being drawn up for the incumbent royal family to vacate Buckingham Palace, while interim accommodation is being prepared at Balmoral. However the new King is expected to eventually use this Scottish retreat during visits to his Edinburgh proctologist. ‘God knows where ‘Queen’ Elizabeth will stay after that. There’s no love lost between her and Edward,’ claimed BBC royal correspondent Nicholas Witchell, ‘during the war they packed him off to the Bahamas, so she’ll be lucky to get a static caravan in Norfolk if he has anything to so with it.’

Many constitutional experts believe that, considering Edward’s extremely frail condition, he will hand over most of his day-to-day royal duties to his step-great-grandson from his second marriage, Terry Windsor-Williams, who will act as Prince Regent. Upon leaving his current job at the motor works, Prince Terrence of Dagenham, as he will be known, told journalists that he was ‘well made up.’ ‘It’s about bleedin’ time our side of the family got a piece of the action,’ he declared, before setting off in his official motorcade to pick up his daughter, heir presumptive Princess Shania-Alisha, from Barking Community College.

Published in: on August 24, 2010 at 8:22 am  Leave a Comment  
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Supermodels launch military coup in West Africa

The West African state of Guinea-Leone has been plunged into chaos yet again, after a group of the world’s most beautiful supermodels launched an uprising against the country’s president, Colonel George Ktwenge; who himself came to power after overthrowing the previous government last Thursday.

The supermodels are believed to have been funded through the sale of so-called ‘blood diamonds’, many of which they obtained as gifts from admiring heads of state, including, ironically, Colonel Ktwenge himself. ‘I really regret giving her those diamonds,’ he told reporters, ‘but you know what it’s like – when you meet someone like Naomi Campbell you’ll do anything for a bit of glamour – and maybe the chance, however slim, of a leg-over.’

‘And now she’s strutting her way through the plantation district in Versace battledress. I’ve sent orders to stop her but no-one has the nerve to do it. Well we all know what she’s like when riled don’t we?’ Since fighting began, medical charities in the region have reported a dramatic rise in slapping, scratching and hair-pulling among the population.

Brigadier Gisele, a spokeswoman for the supermodels, has told over satellite phone of their determination to conquer the country. ‘Fashion is making a stand against the evil and corrupt regime of Colonel Ktwenge. He is a well known cause of instability in the region, refuses to embrace the democratic process and, well really, gold braid is -so- last year darling.’

Witnesses in Watabwe province have told how the supermodels came to their village early one morning. ‘They sashayed along the main road with their Issey Miyake ammo bandoliers and heavy machine guns mounted on flatbed Coco Chanel trucks. It was a sight to behold. I’d have applauded if Ktwenge’s men hadn’t hacked my limbs off when they passed through last week.’

However not everyone has welcomed these fashion goddesses so enthusiastically. ‘Chiffon-draped rocket launchers and stiletto combat boots are all very well,’ said one local pastor, ‘but it’s not the kind of thing your average militiaman, brutalised by years of killing, raping and mutilation, is going to wear down the high street is it? Mind you, the heroin chic seems to be going down quite well.’

Colonel Ktwenge has vowed to fight against this ‘illegal, if tastefully extravagant’ challenge to his authority. ‘I will not stand for this outrage – it’s very inconvenient for me,’ he declared in a recent broadcast, ‘I am personally mobilizing my crack Presidential Guard brigade. This elite and experienced unit will soon wipe these pampered and overpaid clothes horses off the battlefield – just as soon as they’ve finished their homework of course.’

Published in: on August 18, 2010 at 11:44 am  Leave a Comment  
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Bodies found washed up on beach ‘are missing owl and pussycat’

Police investigating the disappearance of an owl and a pussycat from an animal sanctuary in Weymouth, Dorset, have confirmed that two bodies, found washed up at nearby Chesil Beach, are that of the two missing animals.

Staff at the Fur’n’Feathers Cattery and Bird Of Prey Centre first raised the alarm exactly a year and a day ago, when their prized Siamese cat and Tawny owl failed to turn up at feeding time. According to their keeper, Lisa Morrison, the pair had become very close during their time at the sanctuary. ‘I knew immediately that they must have done a moonlight flit. They both came in at the same time you see – one had a broken wing and the other was rescued from a tied-up bag in the river. He was the strong silent type and she was just a beautiful pussy – they bonded straight away. It certainly raised a few eyebrows among the other animals.’

Leading the investigation, Detective Inspector Mark Shorness believed the couple had been planning to elope for some time: ‘The owl in question was thought to have plenty of money, yet he had emptied his bank account several days before the disappearance. Around the same time he was also filmed on CCTV buying honey from a local supermarket and staff at a local novelty cutlery emporium recall selling a runcible spoon to an individual matching his description.’

Police believe that the pair absconded in a rowing boat, which was reported stolen from a nearby marina shortly before they were found to be missing. ‘We immediately notified the Coastguard to be on the alert for the boat, described by its owner as being beautiful pea-green in colour,’ Shorness revealed. ‘But the craft remained unsighted until it was found moored at Bong-Tree Island twenty miles along the coast – quite an achievement for two creatures who had little idea of the very concept of sailing, let alone any experience of navigation and boat-craft.’

Following this lead, detectives interviewed a number of witnesses, including a pig who sold its nose ring to a couple similar in appearance to the missing lovers, and a turkey, arrested by the local authorities for performing a beach-side marriage without the requisite license. According to this individual the newlyweds, after dining heavily on mince and quince slices, danced by the light of the moon before going for a midnight swim against the advice of those attending the wedding celebrations.

‘That was the last anyone saw of them,’ said their former keeper Morrison, ‘it’s sad really, but considering that the only thing they had in common was a fondness for mice, their relationship was doomed from the start. For my part I like to remember them as our very own Romeo and Juliet – albeit a Romeo who could seemingly rotate his head 360 degrees and a Juliet with retractable claws and the ability to lick her own genitals.’

Beef products recalled as diner catches indigestion from cloned steak

Britain’s supermarkets, eateries and butchers have been ordered to withdraw all beef and beef derivative products from their shelves, after a diner at one of Bristol’s top restaurants developed indigestion whilst eating a 32 ounce ribeye steak that was sourced from the descendant of a cloned cow.

Speaking of his ordeal, gastronome Russell Walcott revealed how he first began to feel ill halfway through his meal at the Miserable Cow steak house in Bristol’s Cabot Circus shopping centre. ‘I started to feel a bit bloated when I reached for the second sachet of brown sauce. I knew there must have been something dodgy with the steak – or possibly the chips, onion rings, fried mushroom, peas and sweetcorn – or maybe the bottle or two of Holsten Pils – but I’m pretty sure it was the steak.’

Crippled by heartburn, Walcott forced down the last mouthful before heading home. ‘By the time I went to bed I was a sweating, belching and dyspeptic mess. I spent the night tossing and turning and generally regretting the chocolate brownie cheesecake I had for afters. The next day I went straight back to the restaurant and demanded that they look into the matter – oh and my money back, which they didn’t like much I can tell you.’

Worryingly, subsequent tests showed that the offending steak was originally sourced from the Scottish beef herd at the heart of the cloned cattle scandal, and that the beast in question was actually the granddaughter of the second cousin of the uncle, twice removed, of the original clone. ‘I was straight on to the food Standards Agency,’ said Walcott, ‘and my solicitor of course.’

Stung into action, the agency has ordered that all beef-related products be withdrawn from sale with immediate effect. Businesses across the country have been thrown into disarray as they attempt to offload millions of pounds worth of joints, burgers and jars of Bovril, and have accused the government of acting like a ‘bull in a china shop.’ A government spokesman has vigorously denied such allegations, telling journalists that ‘this is purely a precautionary measure and should in no way be misconstrued as a panicky knee-jerk reaction. What a minute – are those shoes made of leather? For Christ’s sake take ’em off before we get sued!’

Published in: on August 12, 2010 at 7:23 am  Leave a Comment  
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Shropshire villagers in campaign against ‘eyesore’ poly time-tunnels

Residents of the pretty Shropshire village of Irwin-on-the-Allen have vowed to take their fight against the erection of physics-defying polytunnels to the high court, after a local fruit grower was granted retrospective planning permission by the local authorities for a 900 acre time-travelling strawberry farm.

Locals accuse fruit magnate James Darren of ‘desecrating’ the Allen valley with row upon row of the polythene constructions. ‘Our lovely countryside, once resplendent with rustic furrows, lush grazing meadows and wildflower-carpeted glades, is now a sea of sterile white plastic,’ complained villager-turned-activist Robert Colbert. ‘That, coupled with the constantly shifting psychedelic lights and the discordant 1960’s music, is ruining our environment – not to mention completely buggering up the house prices.’

Colbert, chairman of the Irwin-on-the-Allen action committee, has dismissed Darren’s claims that his fruit farm will bring much-needed employment to the area, pointing to the ‘hordes’ of cheap migrant labour from the Balkans, Eastern Europe and the Dark Ages that are staying at the farm. ‘I don’t want to sound xenophobic, but these foreigners are completely bringing down the tone of the neighbourhood, the very fabric of the space-time continuum notwithstanding.’

The increasing number of migrant workers is also proving to be less beneficial to the local economy than was first expected, with the local pub closing down due to the flood of cheap gin brought in by Regency Londoners and Whit Bissell, owner of the local tea shop, dying of bubonic plague after serving a group of medieval peasants. Many other businesses have also reported problems after banks in nearby Shrewsbury refused to accept Edward VII pennies, Spanish doubloons or cowry shells. ‘One cheeky beggar even tried to palm me off with twenty pond note with Edward Elgar on it,’ complained one local shopkeeper.

‘Saturday nights here are bedlam,’ Colbert continued. ‘If it’s not the Serbs arguing with the Croats down the post office it’s the Prussians and Bavarians going at it by the war memorial or the Vikings and the Saxons fighting pitched battles on the village green. The whole lot of them are acting like a bunch of Neanderthals – who, in all fairness, are a pretty quiet bunch who tend to keep themselves to themselves.’

Published in: on August 12, 2010 at 7:21 am  Leave a Comment  
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