Supermodels launch military coup in West Africa

The West African state of Guinea-Leone has been plunged into chaos yet again, after a group of the world’s most beautiful supermodels launched an uprising against the country’s president, Colonel George Ktwenge; who himself came to power after overthrowing the previous government last Thursday.

The supermodels are believed to have been funded through the sale of so-called ‘blood diamonds’, many of which they obtained as gifts from admiring heads of state, including, ironically, Colonel Ktwenge himself. ‘I really regret giving her those diamonds,’ he told reporters, ‘but you know what it’s like – when you meet someone like Naomi Campbell you’ll do anything for a bit of glamour – and maybe the chance, however slim, of a leg-over.’

‘And now she’s strutting her way through the plantation district in Versace battledress. I’ve sent orders to stop her but no-one has the nerve to do it. Well we all know what she’s like when riled don’t we?’ Since fighting began, medical charities in the region have reported a dramatic rise in slapping, scratching and hair-pulling among the population.

Brigadier Gisele, a spokeswoman for the supermodels, has told over satellite phone of their determination to conquer the country. ‘Fashion is making a stand against the evil and corrupt regime of Colonel Ktwenge. He is a well known cause of instability in the region, refuses to embrace the democratic process and, well really, gold braid is -so- last year darling.’

Witnesses in Watabwe province have told how the supermodels came to their village early one morning. ‘They sashayed along the main road with their Issey Miyake ammo bandoliers and heavy machine guns mounted on flatbed Coco Chanel trucks. It was a sight to behold. I’d have applauded if Ktwenge’s men hadn’t hacked my limbs off when they passed through last week.’

However not everyone has welcomed these fashion goddesses so enthusiastically. ‘Chiffon-draped rocket launchers and stiletto combat boots are all very well,’ said one local pastor, ‘but it’s not the kind of thing your average militiaman, brutalised by years of killing, raping and mutilation, is going to wear down the high street is it? Mind you, the heroin chic seems to be going down quite well.’

Colonel Ktwenge has vowed to fight against this ‘illegal, if tastefully extravagant’ challenge to his authority. ‘I will not stand for this outrage – it’s very inconvenient for me,’ he declared in a recent broadcast, ‘I am personally mobilizing my crack Presidential Guard brigade. This elite and experienced unit will soon wipe these pampered and overpaid clothes horses off the battlefield – just as soon as they’ve finished their homework of course.’

Published in: on August 18, 2010 at 11:44 am  Leave a Comment  
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