UK armed forces ‘boldly going’ with new Trek inspired uniforms

(Written by myself and my chum ‘Qorbeq’)

Following complaints that the UK’s armed forces are not properly equipped for modern warfare; the Home Office has today revealed the ongoing rollout of more contemporary uniform and weaponry policies, specially commissioned from JJ Abrams’ Star Trek costume designer Michael Kaplan.

Kaplan has dismissed claims that the new uniforms are sexist, stating that it is helpful on the battlefield to be able to easily distinguish between male and female soldiers. Women on the front line are less forgiving, complaining that the velour miniskirts they are now forced to wear are ‘provocative’ and ‘revealing’, although many male soldiers believe that the skirts of their heavily androgynous muscular female counterparts ‘aren’t worth looking up’. ‘I did try grabbing a quick glance up the Corporal’s skirt the other day,’ said an anonymous forces member, shuddering visibly, ‘but I could swear there were testicles poking out the side of the gusset.’

Female soldiers are not the only ones to have issues with the new garments, with many squaddies clamouring to get hold of yellow or blue shirts rather than the infamous ‘red’ type. There have also been a number of complaints about the cut of the new garments: ‘When they implemented this change in the States, they got those snazzy uniforms from Star Trek Nemesis,’ said Lieutenant Paul ‘Holly’ Hollins, ‘but we’ve been given those stupid shirts from the early Next Generation episodes – you know, the ones that keep riding up. It’s no fun fighting the Taliban with your midriff exposed to the elements I can tell you. Oh, and don’t get into unarmed combat with the enemy whatever you do – these bloody shirts rip off at the shoulder in seconds.’

The most hotly contested change being brought in, however, is on the weaponry front. ‘These new rifles are absolutely useless – where’s the kill setting?’ said Lieutenant Hollins. ‘We’ve been scoring direct hits on enemy snipers, but minutes later the bastards are getting up again, picking off anyone in a red top. We’re supposed to have a shoot-to-kill policy – if we wanted to stun the enemy, we’d just get the girls to lift their skirts at them.’

Published in: on October 6, 2010 at 11:46 am  Leave a Comment  
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The IRA to release debut album

Following the success of military-based albums, such as The Soldiers – Coming Home and The Central Band of the Royal Air Force, the Irish Republican Army has pledged not to be outdone by releasing their own CD under the name ‘The Paramilitaries’.

According to band leader Sean McGuinness, The Paramilitaries is designed to highlight the IRA as a legitimate organisation: ‘if it’s good enough for the British, then it’s good enough for us,’ he told journalists. McGuinness denied claims that recording an album somehow waters down the seriousness of the republican’s mission. ‘Music and republicanism have gone hand in hand since the struggles began – sure, didn’t Michael Collins himself release a record of bird noises back in the day? Although I have to admit that Bobby Sands’ cover version of Duran Duran’s ‘Hungry Like the Wolf’ back in the 80’s probably did the cause more harm than good.’

According to insiders, recording of the album was beset with problems from the start, with audio engineers having to cope with a series of coded telephone calls before eventually being given the location of the studio. It has also been revealed that the entire project was almost shelved when a number of artists left the band, citing musical differences, to form their own splinter group, The Real Paramilitaries. Their album, Pan Pipebomb Moods, an uncompromising collection of traditional Irish folk tunes, is out next month.

The early release of The Paramilitaries’ album has also caused fury among unionist activists, who have accused the IRA of timing it to overshadow their own artistic endeavours – a collection of traditional marching tunes by the UDF brass band and the Londonderry Loyalist Ballet Troupe’s production of I am Curious, Orange.

Critics have hailed the new album as a brave and innovative approach towards a united Ireland, with Skinz Harrison of the NME calling it ‘a masterpiece’ in his review. ‘As a whole, The Paramilitaries’ CD can be seen as a musical history of the Troubles, starting with an unconventional cover version of the Death In Vegas hit, Scorpio (Easter) Rising, before continuing with old favourites such as Sunday Bloody Sunday, Belfast Child and Through the Barricades.’

‘The Paramilitaries also tip their balaclavas to the role played by Britain’s ex-pat Irish community, with their take on the jaunty Cockney classic ‘Kneecap Mother Brown’,’ he writes, before warning readers not to be put off by the overtly militant tone of the album. ‘This record is as contemporary as it is historical, ending as it does with a tribute to former Northern Ireland Secretary Mo Molwem and the role she played in securing the Good Friday Peace Agreement. Lamenting her untimely death, The Paramilitaries sign off with a solemn and respectful treatment of the Joe Tex classic ‘Ain’t Gonna Bump No More (With No Big Fat Woman)’.’

Published in: on October 4, 2010 at 7:28 am  Leave a Comment  
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