Father Christmas attacked during tuition fees protest

Police have admitted that protesting students ‘made contact’ with Father Christmas and his wife after the festive couple found themselves caught up in a protest against the proposed rise in tuition fees during a drive through the West End.

According to his press officer, Father Christmas was returning from a routine chimney inspection of the nation’s capital when his sleigh became bogged down in traffic: ‘His brightly coloured vehicle and jingling bells attracted the attention of the protestors, who, identifying Santa Claus as an establishment figure, went for him.’

Eyewitnesses described a scene of chaos as angry students mobbed Santa’s sleigh: ‘it was madness: there were kids all over them, pulling at his beard and that – Santa was hohoho-ing for all his life but they just wouldn’t let up. His missus was screaming and the elves tried to establish a defensive cordon but there was so much reindeer shit lying around that they just kept slipping and eventually went under.’

‘We can confirm that a jolly bearded man and his spouse were involved in an incident,’ a spokesman for Metropolitan Police revealed. ‘We cannot at this time confirm rumours that Mrs. Christmas was poked with a candy cane due to the ongoing nature of the investigation. We will release further information once we’ve recovered from our divisional Christmas curry night this evening.’

Ekaterina Christmas, Father Christmas’ Russian-born wife who he reportedly met during a scuba-diving holiday in the Turks & Caicos Islands, is proportedly recovering from her ordeal at a private Harley Street clinic, while her husband is said to be soldiering on with the run up to Christmas.

‘Preparation for the big day continues apace despite our recent trials,’ is the official word from Lapland, ‘although please spare a thought for poor Blitzen who, if we cannot scrub the spray-painted penis and the words ‘Tory Twat’ that have been scrawled onto his flank, will have to be put down.’

However Santa’s personal Bebo page bears a less pragmatic message: ‘I certainly know who’s been bad this year! Damien Corby’s going to get a very empty stocking unless he gives me back that chocolate money he looted out the back of my sleigh.’

‘And I might have let Matt Shaw’s naughty behaviour slip when he wanted those Star Wars pyjamas ten years ago, but he can whistle if he thinks he’s getting that Caravan of Courage limited edition DVD this Christmas after what he did. Oh, and Miranda Shortland-Hyde – your mummy and daddy may well be giving you that pony this year, but you can shove your extended overdraft up your arse!’

Published in: on December 15, 2010 at 4:11 pm  Leave a Comment  
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