Arctic rivals lay claim to Tescos freezer aisle

The race by a number of Arctic nations to claim some of the world’s coldest regions has heated up today after a team of explorers planted a Russian flag in the Freezer aisle of the Paignton branch of Tescos.

The move represents the latest step in the diplomatic battle for the potential riches underneath the ice according to strategic consultant Michael Stammers. ‘The US, Russia, Canada, Norway, Finland, Iceland, Sweden and Denmark are all keen to carve up the frozen north and exploit its oil and minerals. The fact that Tescos are currently offering three packs of turkey drummers for the price of two has only heightened this desire.’

Polar explorer Artur Chilingarov and his expedition team braved a number of hazards, such as sustaining a scratch to his van in the car park and getting lost in the international foods section, before reaching what Moscow claims as ‘this strategic and resource-rich area.’ It has also been revealed that the explorers would have gone on to stake a claim to the nearby Tesco Express in Torquay, had they not forgotten to recover their last pound coin when returning the trolley.

Environmental pressure groups, which have long campaigned against the ‘despoliation’ of such virgin territory, have hit out against the expedition, as well as highlighting the concerns of the areas indigenous population. ‘Since time immemorial, people have been coming here for their frozen mince or mixed peas and sweetcorn,’ said a spokesman for the Paignton branch of Friends of the Earth; ‘finding that these resources have been snaffled up by a state-owned mining company will have a devastating effect on their way of life – especially if they’re making shepherds pie.’

Meeting at a summit in Nuuk, Greenland, the competing Arctic nations are said to be close to reaching an agreement for future claims. Russia’s sphere of economic influence will be extended to Tescos, the US will be allowed to carry out exploratory drilling in Morrisons, while the Scandinavians will be allowed to press their claims to Asda and Spar. In compensation, British negotiators have secured sole exploitation rights to a box of Netto home-brand choc ices.

STOP PRESS: Iceland’s gone to Iceland.

Published in: on May 23, 2011 at 8:24 am  Leave a Comment  
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Kate to give ‘whatevah’ W sign for marriage vow

The recently released order of service has revealed that Britain’s future queen will answer the question ‘will you take William Arthur Philip Louis to be your husband?’ by giving a ‘W’ sign, followed by the word ‘whatevah’. During the ceremony, Ms. Middleton will also give a derisive snort to the phrase ‘for richer, for poorer’ before turning around to give a thumbs-up to her mother, former air hostess Carole.

According to Ingrid Seward, Editor-In-Chief of Majesty Magazine, this change to the traditional marriage vow is designed to show that, while rapidly ascending the ranks of royalty; Kate is determined to acknowledge her ‘commoner’ roots. ‘She’ll definitely be keeping her feet on the ground – possibly in some Jimmy Choos.’

The royal couple will also be making other concessions to working class sensibilities, including the distribution of disposable Kodak cameras, a selection of colouring books in the corner of Westminster Abbey to occupy the youngsters and a request to the official photographer that he takes a picture of ‘both nans together’.

Published in: on May 9, 2011 at 12:06 pm  Leave a Comment