South London man offers ‘self offence’ classes

The rapid descent of Britain’s inner cities into a seething pressure cooker of poverty, fear and violence has inspired a South London entrepreneur to ‘cut out the middleman’ by offering classes on how to menace, rob with violence and generally inflict grievous bodily harm upon oneself.

‘Crime statistics show that you’re ever more likely to get done over,’ claimed businessman and former cage fighter Perez Wilson. ‘It’s high time we took back our streets – depriving those vicious thugs that roam them of their livelihood by assaulting ourselves before they can get to us, thus leaving them with nothing to rob. It’s a form of empowerment – to paraphrase Mike ‘The Streets’ Skinner, -do- mug yourself.’

Potential victims are already flocking to the karate blackbelt’s Southwark Dojo, where Wilson offers a number of modules, from Self-Intimidation and the Correct Wearing of a Hooded Top, right through to Staging a Stabbing or Shoot-out in Your Own Home. ‘The results speak for themselves,’ he said. ‘Time after time my customers have staggered bleeding through a dark alleyway with absolute impunity. The crooks can only look on powerless – occasionally offering medical assistance to some of our more advanced students.’

Some have accused Wilson and his acolytes of taking things too far, claiming that A&E wards across London are reaching meltdown due to the large numbers of self-assaulted people. ‘It’s pandemonium every night,’ claimed one junior doctor. ‘We’re seeing patients who’ve blacked their own eye, broken their nose or cracked a few of their own ribs – we even had one nutter last weekend who robbed his own store and then set himself alight – which was particularly annoying as I was hoping to help myself to a Blu-Ray player on the way home.’

Wilson however remains unrepentant: ‘yes my customers are injuring themselves, but in doing so they’re sending a message to that whole sub-strata of society that thinks it’s okay to rob innocent people. At long last the general public is standing up for itself – if they want to beat themselves up and then flog their mobile to some dodgy Nigerian then there’s nothing the criminals can do about it. This is about self-assertion, not self-abuse – that’s a whole different kettle of fish and you’re likely to get arrested if you do that in the street mate.’

Published in: on August 17, 2011 at 11:22 am  Leave a Comment  
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Rock ‘n’ roll voted ‘the new rock ‘n’ roll’

Performers and fans alike are celebrating today after a nationwide poll officially named rock ‘n’ roll as the new rock ‘n’ roll.

Rock ‘n’ roll was knocked from its 50 year place in pole position by Comedy, which was proclaimed the new rock ‘n’ roll in the early 1990’s after years of touring the stand-up circuit. However comedy proved unable to capitalise on its new role as über -cool zeitgeist and lost out to a succession of other contenders. Cookery, interior design, Crazy Frog and eating testicles in a jungle all briefly held the number one spot.

According to experts such as NME editor Skinz Robertson, the late resurgence of rock ‘n’ roll is a response to what is perceived to be a nadir in popular cultural phenomenon. ‘To my mind the rot started when Brian Cox stepped away from his keyboard and started mucking around with quarks and stuff. Once particle physics became the new ‘n’ roll I think the nation woke up and realised we had reached the bottom of the barrel. Particle bloody physics! I mean come on!’

Music icon and early rock ‘n’ roll proponent Joe Brown has urged fans against complacency now their favourite genre is back at the top of the hit parade: ‘we can’t rest on our laurels guys or something else will come along to knock us off our perch. If you kids don’t keep this wagon rolling then suddenly carp fishing, needlepoint, yogurt or whatever will become the new rock ‘n’ roll and we’ll be left with an old pair of brothel creepers, a silly haircut and poor hearing.’

However in the main, rock legends from across Britain have enthusiastically welcomed the result: ‘this is fantastic news,’ said Rolling Stones front-man Mick Jagger. ‘It’s like rock ‘n’ roll has come home to roost and reclaim its position as the raw, edgy and innovative art form that it once was. Plus it’s a great excuse to drink, take drugs and sleep around without looking like sad old farts desperate to relive our youth – by the way, what’s Marianne Faithfull up to nowadays?’

Published in: on August 9, 2011 at 12:01 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Britain poised to celebrate POETS day

This week’s POETS (Piss Off Early, Tomorrow’s Saturday) extravaganza is set to be the biggest ever say experts, with a staggering nine-tenths of the population of Great Britain planning to finish work at Friday lunchtime and slope off to the pub for the afternoon.

Preparations are already afoot for this great national bunk-off, with breweries trebling their usual output to cope with the increase in alcohol consumption and food producers working flat-out to satisfy the projected demand for battered fish, steak and kidney and scampi in a basket – a consequence of the sharp rise in Friday lunch time ’pint and a pie’ meal deals. The police, fire brigade and ambulance crews will also be on full alert, with the public being asked to co-operate with the emergency services by not having an accident until Monday morning at the earliest.

The occasion is predicted to eclipse the success of even last week’s mass skive, claims Sociologist Dr. Brian Hancock, who believes the phenomenon has spread exponentially across the country. ‘In earlier times POETS day was essentially limited to workers in the capital, but with financial pressures forcing the workforce to work harder for less, more and more people are adopting the ‘sod this for a game of soldiers’ attitude so reminiscent of the surly Londoner when the weekend peeps over the horizon.’

For many, POETS day is not so much an excuse for the traditional Friday pint, but a chance to take some much-needed time out from the rat-race. ‘I’ll probably use the time off to take the kids to the park or do some shopping with the wife,’ revealed Holborn-based BT engineer Trevor Rushgrove. ‘Unless they’ve got a stripper on at the Spaniard’s Arms, in which case I’ll probably pop down there for a bevy or two.’

Business leaders have slammed the rising ‘part-timer’ culture that POETS day has come to represent, with prominent economists accusing organisers of doing the country out of millions of pounds of potential revenue. ‘It may seem like a harmless Friday afternoon down the boozer,’ said John Cridland, director-general of the CBI, ‘but the losses incurred by these workshy layabouts are staggering. I am currently unable to provide you with an exact figure however, as I will be out of the office until the end of September.’

Published in: on August 5, 2011 at 2:37 pm  Leave a Comment  
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