‘Fuck buddies’ to get common-law status

Booty calls are set to become a lot more expensive and legally binding, after the government announced that all ‘friends with privileges’ are to automatically count as cohabiting ‘common-law’ partners.

‘Thousands of people in this country are having sexual intercourse with friends and acquaintances on a casual, no-strings-attached basis,’ Gordon Brown told parliament today. ‘This situation is blatantly unfair to the majority of decent Britons, who shoulder the burden of loving, emotionally connected relationships while these, er, ‘fudge buddies’ go at it, frankly, like rabbits, without so much as a by-your-leave.’

Despite the fact that common-law status affords absolutely no legal protection to a cohabiting couple, the move has generated vocal criticism from sexually active singletons. ‘It used to be great,’ said one unattached female, ‘when I called my friend Darren he’d come over and scratch my itch, no questions asked, but since this announcement he’s got his feet up with a paper before I’ve dropped my dressing gown to the floor.’

‘My piece of ‘occasional’ has changed out of all recognition,’ another single Briton concurred, ‘what little sex I get nowadays is preceded by several hours of rearranging my furniture and putting up knick-knacks. Whereas before we’d spend Sunday mornings in a sweaty heap of post-clubbing bed boogie, I’m now up at some unseemly hour trawling B&Q for suitable shelving – plus my single occupancy tax rebate has gone for a burden!’

Despite this opposition, the government is determined to push through appropriate legislation, encouraged by overwhelming support from across the political spectrum, with the exception of a handful of Tory backbenchers and an abstention from Northern Ireland.

(Written 14 Jan 2009)

Published in: on February 9, 2010 at 8:51 am  Leave a Comment  
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‘Loan shark’ Vorderman embarks on mathematics road show

‘Thinking man’s crumpet’ Carol Vorderman has kicked off her role as the head of the Conservative’s maths task force by embarking on a tour of Britain’s schools and colleges. However the content of her lectures and the methods employed have caused controversy among parent and teacher groups.

“I went to one of her seminars with my daughter.” said one concerned mother. “Carol started off by saying how she intended to take the ‘fear’ out of maths, which sounded fair enough. But alarm bells started ringing when she continued: ‘and you can lose that fear with a First-Plus loan!’ She then launched into a high-pressure sales pitch about competitive interest rates and repayment schemes. My Christina would have signed up to a £5, 000 loan for a new Hannah Montana playset if I hadn’t been there to intervene!”

Vorderman has defended her actions by claiming that young people can gain a greater understanding of maths if using it in practical situations. “Pythagoras’ theorem, differentiation and quadratic equations are all very well, but they’re abstract ideas. Kids of today need real-life mathematical concepts, like how much money they can borrow with First-Plus’ amazingly low APR.”

The former co-host of Countdown has further angered opponents by introducing special ‘pre-school secured loan’ scheme for children under five. “Whether it’s money for the tuck shop or an over-garage Wendy house extension, you can make it happen with First-Plus. Please note failure to keep up repayments may result in repossession of toys, school books or bikes. Vorderman-First-Plus Finance ltd. is a subsidiary of Mitchell Bros. Debt Enforcement PLC.”

(Written 5 Feb 2009)

Published in: on February 8, 2010 at 10:26 am  Leave a Comment  
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Al Qaeda planning ‘Police Academy 8 atrocity’

Islamic terrorists are hatching an atrocity so heinous that the morale of the entire western world could be sent crashing into a black hole of despair, it has been revealed. American intelligence sources are warning cinema-goers to be on their guard, after agents discovered evidence at Al Qaeda is in the preliminary stages of filming a new Police Academy movie.

According to Frank Deltour of Homeland Security, alarm bells first began to ring after a number of suspected militants were spotted taking continuity photographs along the Afghan/Pakistan border. ‘The presence of that weedy nerd with glasses and the really tall one hinted that this was no ordinary beheading to be posted on the internet, but something far more sinister,’ he told a Senate committee.

More concrete evidence was obtained from a laptop belonging to Detroit-bound would-be suicide bomber Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab. ‘In addition to a number of harrowing storyboards we found a list of former Hollywood stars, including Steve Gutenberg and Bobcat Goldthwaite, all with a reputation for making horrific celluloid travesties. ‘It wasn’t hard to put two and two together – the implications were chilling.’

Given a working title of Police Academy 8: Mission to Martyrdom, the movie tells the story of a group of hapless police cadets, who travel to Afghanistan and overcome their various deficiencies to launch a bloody wave of suicide bombings against pro-Karzai forces, ‘with hilarious consequences’.

Since the announcement, a trailer for the film has been sent to Al Jazeera. Following a number of scenes from the rushes, a masked militant warns ‘America, her lapdog allies and that dirtbag Mauser’ against further operations against his co-religionists, in a lengthy harangue interspersed with sound effects and funny noises.

(Written 11 Jan 2009)

Published in: on February 8, 2010 at 8:17 am  Leave a Comment  
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