Britain poised to celebrate POETS day

This week’s POETS (Piss Off Early, Tomorrow’s Saturday) extravaganza is set to be the biggest ever say experts, with a staggering nine-tenths of the population of Great Britain planning to finish work at Friday lunchtime and slope off to the pub for the afternoon.

Preparations are already afoot for this great national bunk-off, with breweries trebling their usual output to cope with the increase in alcohol consumption and food producers working flat-out to satisfy the projected demand for battered fish, steak and kidney and scampi in a basket – a consequence of the sharp rise in Friday lunch time ’pint and a pie’ meal deals. The police, fire brigade and ambulance crews will also be on full alert, with the public being asked to co-operate with the emergency services by not having an accident until Monday morning at the earliest.

The occasion is predicted to eclipse the success of even last week’s mass skive, claims Sociologist Dr. Brian Hancock, who believes the phenomenon has spread exponentially across the country. ‘In earlier times POETS day was essentially limited to workers in the capital, but with financial pressures forcing the workforce to work harder for less, more and more people are adopting the ‘sod this for a game of soldiers’ attitude so reminiscent of the surly Londoner when the weekend peeps over the horizon.’

For many, POETS day is not so much an excuse for the traditional Friday pint, but a chance to take some much-needed time out from the rat-race. ‘I’ll probably use the time off to take the kids to the park or do some shopping with the wife,’ revealed Holborn-based BT engineer Trevor Rushgrove. ‘Unless they’ve got a stripper on at the Spaniard’s Arms, in which case I’ll probably pop down there for a bevy or two.’

Business leaders have slammed the rising ‘part-timer’ culture that POETS day has come to represent, with prominent economists accusing organisers of doing the country out of millions of pounds of potential revenue. ‘It may seem like a harmless Friday afternoon down the boozer,’ said John Cridland, director-general of the CBI, ‘but the losses incurred by these workshy layabouts are staggering. I am currently unable to provide you with an exact figure however, as I will be out of the office until the end of September.’

Published in: on August 5, 2011 at 2:37 pm  Leave a Comment  
Tags: , , ,

Professor Layton still unable to set video recorder

Top-hatted mystery-solver extraordinaire, Professor Hershel Layton, has astounded fans of hand-hand console puzzle games by admitting that, despite his impressive track record in unravelling conundrums, he has yet to decipher the workings of his 1995 Hitachi AX-13 video cassette recorder.

‘Solving the strange case of the Curious Village was child’s play compared to getting that bloody thing to work’, revealed the professor of archaeology at London-based Gressenheller University. ‘I’m ashamed to say that thanks to my inability to master the arcane art of programming, I’ve missed practically every episode of Countdown. It’s just no good – there’s no facility to save one’s progress, read all the hints and then reload like I normally do when I get stuck and I’ve even tried looking up the answers in the internet, but this is one conundrum I just can’t crack.’

In reaction to the storm of anger and derision that this admission has provoked, Layton’s apprentice Luke Triton has stepped in to defend his mentor. ‘The Professor is not as young as he used to be and brainteasers are becoming increasingly sophisticated in today’s technological age. Plus the AX-13 is a notoriously difficult machine to operate, especially when you factor in the switchover from analogue to digital. I’ve suggested scrapping the thing for a decent Blu-Ray recorder or PVR, but when Professor Layton gets his teeth into a riddle he refuses to give up – he didn’t switch from Betamax to VHS until 1991.’

In a last-ditch attempt to solve the Annoying Case of the Non-User-Friendly Video Recorder, Layton has admitted to seeking professional help among the eggheads at the prestigious Big Brain Academy. ‘In desperation I contacted fellow puzzleologist Dr. Kawashima,’ he revealed. ‘But when he opened the door he just sneered and said ‘it’s been six months since you last came to see me – let’s see what your brain age is now eh?’ in that sarky tone of his. I’ve a good mind to give up puzzles altogether and try something a little less cerebral – does anyone have any batteries for a Wii-Fit balance board? I’ve got one gathering dust on top of the wardrobe.’

Published in: on July 25, 2011 at 10:49 am  Leave a Comment  
Tags: , , ,

Giles Brandreth ‘plummier than ever’

Scientists monitoring the condition of British television personality Giles Brandreth have discovered that the erudite writer, broadcaster and former Monopoly champion has reached hitherto ‘unthinkable’ levels of plumminess.

Dr. Tim Caswell, who has led the government team tasked with measuring the former Conservative Member of Parliament’s gravitas since 1993, revealed that Mr. Brandreth is now ‘incredibly plummy.’ ‘Brandreth’s voice has had a significant rise in plumminess since he was previously checked,’ he warned. ‘During his last after-dinner speech he came up a massive 9.5 on the Derek Nimo scale – the man’s plummier than a 1950’s fruit orchard.’

Experts fear that if the president of the Association of British Scrabble Players’ plumminess level continues to rise, the ripple effect will begin to cause anyone listening to become equally plump of articulation. ‘If this carries on the plumminess will spread like Women’s Institute plum chutney on toast’ said Dr. Caswell: ‘slow and pleasant at first but with increasingly devastating effects.’

‘Soon the entire country will be exposed to a level of plumminess not heard of since the days of pre-war BBC continuity announcers. Back then, sound recording was at such a primitive and scratchy level that the public was protected by a veneer of clipped and flattened vowels. But with today’s HD stereo surround sound, by 2014 we will only be able to communicate via flawless enunciations of ‘how now brown cow’.’

Family and friends are said to be extremely concerned about the ‘Just a Minute’ regular, with one associate revealing that during their last conversation, Brandreth’s diction was ‘more ovular than an owl with a beak full of gobstoppers, and had vowels so rounded that ‘you could use them as a space hopper.’ While a former parliamentary colleague described him as being ‘plummier than a plumber who has been tied up with a plumb line and had his plums smeared with plumb tomatoes – and believe me, that’s damn plummy.’

Published in: on June 7, 2011 at 10:00 am  Leave a Comment  
Tags: , , ,

Arctic rivals lay claim to Tescos freezer aisle

The race by a number of Arctic nations to claim some of the world’s coldest regions has heated up today after a team of explorers planted a Russian flag in the Freezer aisle of the Paignton branch of Tescos.

The move represents the latest step in the diplomatic battle for the potential riches underneath the ice according to strategic consultant Michael Stammers. ‘The US, Russia, Canada, Norway, Finland, Iceland, Sweden and Denmark are all keen to carve up the frozen north and exploit its oil and minerals. The fact that Tescos are currently offering three packs of turkey drummers for the price of two has only heightened this desire.’

Polar explorer Artur Chilingarov and his expedition team braved a number of hazards, such as sustaining a scratch to his van in the car park and getting lost in the international foods section, before reaching what Moscow claims as ‘this strategic and resource-rich area.’ It has also been revealed that the explorers would have gone on to stake a claim to the nearby Tesco Express in Torquay, had they not forgotten to recover their last pound coin when returning the trolley.

Environmental pressure groups, which have long campaigned against the ‘despoliation’ of such virgin territory, have hit out against the expedition, as well as highlighting the concerns of the areas indigenous population. ‘Since time immemorial, people have been coming here for their frozen mince or mixed peas and sweetcorn,’ said a spokesman for the Paignton branch of Friends of the Earth; ‘finding that these resources have been snaffled up by a state-owned mining company will have a devastating effect on their way of life – especially if they’re making shepherds pie.’

Meeting at a summit in Nuuk, Greenland, the competing Arctic nations are said to be close to reaching an agreement for future claims. Russia’s sphere of economic influence will be extended to Tescos, the US will be allowed to carry out exploratory drilling in Morrisons, while the Scandinavians will be allowed to press their claims to Asda and Spar. In compensation, British negotiators have secured sole exploitation rights to a box of Netto home-brand choc ices.

STOP PRESS: Iceland’s gone to Iceland.

Published in: on May 23, 2011 at 8:24 am  Leave a Comment  
Tags: , , ,

Kate to give ‘whatevah’ W sign for marriage vow

The recently released order of service has revealed that Britain’s future queen will answer the question ‘will you take William Arthur Philip Louis to be your husband?’ by giving a ‘W’ sign, followed by the word ‘whatevah’. During the ceremony, Ms. Middleton will also give a derisive snort to the phrase ‘for richer, for poorer’ before turning around to give a thumbs-up to her mother, former air hostess Carole.

According to Ingrid Seward, Editor-In-Chief of Majesty Magazine, this change to the traditional marriage vow is designed to show that, while rapidly ascending the ranks of royalty; Kate is determined to acknowledge her ‘commoner’ roots. ‘She’ll definitely be keeping her feet on the ground – possibly in some Jimmy Choos.’

The royal couple will also be making other concessions to working class sensibilities, including the distribution of disposable Kodak cameras, a selection of colouring books in the corner of Westminster Abbey to occupy the youngsters and a request to the official photographer that he takes a picture of ‘both nans together’.

Published in: on May 9, 2011 at 12:06 pm  Leave a Comment  

Remains of chariot blocking one-way street confirms Stone Age ‘sat-nav’ theory

Controversial claims made by a historian that prehistoric man navigated his way across England using a crude version of sat nav based on stone circle markers, have seemingly been validated by the discovery of a number of recent archaeological finds; including an ancient ceremonial pathway blocked by some kind of prototype chariot ‘obviously facing the wrong way’.

Historian and writer Tom Brooks, who believes that ancient Britons were able to navigate successfully across the country thanks to a triangular grid of hilltop monuments and landmarks such as Stonehenge, believes the recent finds vindicate his theory. ‘This just goes to prove that, while our forebears were obviously sophisticated engineers with a complex understanding of geometry, they were also just as hopeless at utilising technology as we are today,’ he said from somewhere in the middle of a housing estate in Runcorn.

This network of monuments, which enabled prehistoric man to triangulate his position to an accuracy of within 100 metres, is believed to have triggered a wave of socio-economic issues. This is evidenced by the newly-discovered Babbington Gallery – a series of cave paintings which depict a furiously arguing couple standing in the middle of a field. According to Brooks, this scenario was obviously a common one: ‘there are clear parallels with the Celtic saga the Book of Cadeyrn, in which the hero loses his way following a cattle raid while following a mysterious voice. In one notable passage he is chided by his wife for ‘listening to that bloody thing’ instead of ‘going the usual way.’

The increased mobility offered by this revolution in travel also caused problems, with archaeological evidence pointing to a sharp decline in concentrated population centres. ‘At the same time as this technology is being employed, we see a sharp growth in out-of-town henges,’ said Brooks. ‘We also have oral testimony in the form of ancient ballads, many of which complain about the sudden unavailability of locally sourced virgins.’

However many in the scientific community, for example archaeologist professor James Prindle, remain sceptical, if not outraged by Brooks’ claims. ‘Sorry to be Percy Pedant but to have Sat-Nav, doesn’t one need to Navigate using Satellites? This just another example of the media making ‘science’ more accessible to the cognitively challenged masses by referring to some easily recognisable concept – overlaying contemporary idioms over thousands of years of history. To get a more accurate picture, one must shun today’s book-promoting quacks and turn to the earliest historians such as noble Herodotus – the ancient Greeks’ Simon Sharma.’

(With thanks to riesler, wallster and NewSuburbanDad)

Published in: on April 27, 2011 at 11:50 am  Leave a Comment  
Tags: , , ,

Boy scouts now more likely to have first sexual experience with a girl

Boy scouts are more likely to have their first sexual experience with a member of the opposite gender than any time in the last 104 years as, for the first time in its history; more girls joined the ranks of the scouting movement in the last twelve months than creepy middle-aged men.

According to World Organization of the Scout Movement spokesman Shaun Cook, female youth membership has risen by 6.9% in the past year and by 88% since 2005. ‘There are now 66,576 girls in the scouts, in comparison to a 7.7% rise for boys. This is great news for us – statistically speaking our teenage lads are now much more likely to have a sexual awakening as a result of a clumsy fumble with a girl, as opposed to being, y’know, interfered with.’

Since it’s inception by Robert Baden-Powell in 1907, the scouting movement has been fostering a spirit of adventure, respect and self-sufficiency through regular meetings, camps and jamborees, explained Cook. ‘These used to be rather tense affairs, with boys practically sewing their tent flaps shut at night to discourage a dodgy pack leader from showing them his ‘woggle’, but nowadays there’s a far more liberated air to these occasions. The older lads are flinging their tents open in the hope of a quick knee-trembler and with the introduction of the contraception badge, our motto of ‘be prepared’ has never been so apt.’

News of the increase in female scouts has led to a sharp rise in the number of boys wishing to join the movement, Cook revealed. ‘Our waiting list is growing at an impressive rate as kids from across the world realise the value in becoming a scout. From securing a guide rope with a clove-hitch knot to shinning down a drainpipe to avoid an angry father, the life lessons we teach are invaluable.’

Celebrated explorer and Chief Scout Bear Grylls said he thought it was ‘great’ that more girls were joining. ‘Being a Scout represents all that is great about life: adventure, life skills and friendship,’ he added. ‘It’s all about amazing experiences these days -how much has changed since when I was a kid. Back then the most useful thing we were taught was how to skin a rabbit in a wilderness environment – I didn’t learn how to unclasp a bra strap until I was 21, when a particularly accommodating Gurkha woman taught me a thing or two during a whiteout at an Everest base camp. Some might say that kids of today have it handed to them on a plate – I say, why the hell not? Fill yer boots son!’

Published in: on April 27, 2011 at 11:48 am  Leave a Comment  
Tags: , , ,

Isle of Wight braces itself for flares to drainpipes switchover

With the long anticipated switchover from flares and bell-bottoms to the more up-to-date drainpipe scheduled for tomorrow, residents of the Isle of Wight have only a few hours before their current trousers become obsolete, local officials are warning.

‘T-Day is upon us,’ town crier and sartorial policy maker Marvin Burridge told a torch-bearing mob. ‘Failure to change over in a timely manner will result in a noticeable degradation in your street-cred. To put it simply you might not be able to receive all the compliments about your fashion sense that you are used to.’

Residents have been subjected to a high-profile advertising campaign for months, with leaflets explaining the need to upgrade to a more fashionable, tighter-fitting trouser. Islanders lucky enough to own a television and not be accused of witchcraft have also been able to watch public information films, aired usually between Pop of the Pops and the Tomorrow People, featuring Pantsy – a cute robot who helps bemused locals make the necessary changes to their wardrobe.

Critics have accused the authorities of acting too quickly, arguing that the island’s two-legged heritage is at stake. ‘The elderly and vulnerable have not been given enough time and information,’ claimed one anti-switch campaigner. ‘Some folks are still doddering around in their demob suits – to them the sight of a person wearing a stonewashed jeans and a T-shirt under their jacket is enough to cause severe palpitations at the very least.’

Burridge however dismisses this argument and remains firm in his belief that if the Isle of Wight is to move with the times, its residents’ leg wear must move also. ‘The time when those on the mainland mocked us for our old-fashioned ways is gone, for the switchover will bring us bang up to date to the 1980’s – a mere 30-odd years behind the rest of the country.’ Despite this hard-line approach, the council has also pledged to listen to local concerns and have pledged to stop short at introducing day-glo socks, while mullets will be optional.

Published in: on April 14, 2011 at 11:42 am  Leave a Comment  
Tags: , , , , ,

Disaster as ‘Come Dine With Me’ narrator hosts own dinner party

Friends and relatives of Dave Lamb, narrator of the popular Channel 4 lifestyle show ‘Come Dine With Me’, have expressed concern for his safety after the comedian, actor and voiceover artiste stormed out of his Surrey home last night following a ‘disastrous’ dinner party.

Guests, including Pete Gibbons, a cameraman for the show – where four amateur chefs compete against each other by hosting a dinner party for the other contestants – were initially flattered to be invited to Lamb’s soiree. ‘In the six years I’ve been working on ‘CDWM’, I’ve never even met Dave, let alone be invited to dine with him, so I was really looking forward to it.’ However things quickly went downhill – ‘he answered the door and greeted me warmly, but then proceeded to put his hand to his mouth and say, in his well-known narrator’s voice, ‘no wine Pete? Cheapskate!’ I tried to laugh it off as a joke but, y’know, it was a bit weird, especially as I’d brought a bottle of Lambrusco with me.’

With all the guests arrived Lamb reportedly left them to introduce themselves while he began to assemble his starter. ‘He gave each of us a printout of his menu, and asked us to comment on it,’ recalled production assistant Laura Mayer. ‘I was having a bit of trouble pronouncing the first course when all of a sudden a voice boomed out ‘it’s ‘halloumi!’ tch!’ I looked around and there was Dave, crouching behind the sofa, talking into his hand. Before I could say anything he was up and into the kitchen, yelling ‘Dave adds a little dressing to his –halloumi- salad and it’s ready to serve!’ He was beginning to freak us all out by then, but in all fairness it was pretty good.’

‘Things went from bad to worse with the main course,’ claimed sound man Roger Wellard, ‘which Dave introduced by muttering the words ‘Dave then serves the Cod Florentine – well, the bits that the cats hasn’t eaten – to his unsuspecting guests.’ I felt pretty sick and I bloody well told him so. He looked at me blankly and then said into his hand: ‘uh-oh, looks like you’ve been rumbled Dave.’ To which Pete screamed ‘stop talking to yourself in the third person you idiot!’’

By now Lamb was in full flow, allegedly narrating everything he did. ‘It was a nightmare,’ said Gibbons. ‘Dave scrapes the uneaten fish into the bin’, ‘Dave serves his shop-bought trifle out of the fridge’, ‘Dave gets an eyeful of Laura’s cleavage,’ ‘Dave wipes the trifle off his face’ – he just wouldn’t stop. Suddenly he’s back in the room with a platter full of money. Then he tells us he’s in fourth place with only fifteen points and the next thing you know he’s chucking the money in the air yelling ‘it’s my show – MY BLOODY SHOW!’ before running out the house, narrating in an incoherent gibber.’

Surrey police have confirmed that they are currently looking for a 42 year-old man matching Lamb’s description. Members of the public are advised not to approach this individual, especially for voiceover work. People with young children have been warned not – repeat: not – to watch Big Barn Farm for the foreseeable future.

Published in: on April 12, 2011 at 6:28 am  Leave a Comment  
Tags: , , ,

Olympic stadium under guard after Millennium Dome shot by White Elephant hunters

Security in and around the new 2012 Olympic stadium in Stratford, East London, has been stepped up today after fears of an increase in white elephant poaching were confirmed following the discovery of the butchered corpse of the Millennium Dome.

Wardens, who discovered the slaughtered structure while patrolling the Greenwich peninsula in South East London, believe that poachers tracked and shot the Millennium Dome in the early hours of this morning. ‘By the time we got there it was too late,’ lamented head warden Trevor McCormac, ‘she’d obviously been hacked up and was left to lie there, haemorrhaging money – it’s barbaric.’

The Millennium Dome, or O2 Arena as she’s fondly known by locals, is not the first white elephant to be slaughtered by poachers in recent years. As recently as last December, the butchered carcass of West Midlands Regional Fire Centre was discovered in Wolverhampton. Conservationists, such as Dr. Maria Shaw of the British White Elephant trust, believe that the killings show a worrying increase in the illegal superstructure trade. ‘The demand for ironwork in China and the Far East is becoming ever more insatiable. While that demand lasts, these beautiful budget-busting creatures are severely under threat.’

‘The White Elephant (Carbunculus Expensiveii) and its cousins the Vanity Project and the common or garden Folly have roamed Britain for thousands of years,’ said Shaw. ‘From the Aylesbury Circle to Spaghetti Junction these magnificent institutions have lumbered across the country, casually consuming tax-payers’ money and fearing only the predations of the government auditor. But if we don’t act soon these gentle monsters will become extinct – and then what’ll we have to complain about?’

In an effort to protect the few remaining native white elephants, the British Architectural Society is hiring hundreds of new wardens to protect these expensive eyesores. From the Liverpool Ferry Terminal to the Cambridgeshire Guided Busway, guards have been patrolling round-the-clock, pausing only to collect donations for renovation work. Meanwhile, Ranger McCormac is confident that his team will be able to keep the Olympic Stadium, Britain’s newest arrival in the white elephant family, safe from harm: ‘the Olympic Park is fast becoming home to a veritable herd of white elephants and we are dedicated to protecting them – a ten-million pound overspend and a crippling completion penalty cause notwithstanding.’

Published in: on April 12, 2011 at 6:25 am  Leave a Comment  
Tags: , , ,