‘Are you a leg or breast man?’ debate threatens to tear apart Anglican Church

Following the damaging and acrimonious issues regarding homosexuality and women bishops, the Anglican Church is facing yet another threat that could finally see the break-up of the episcopal polity into its component parts. Fears of a schism within the Anglican Communion have been raised after senior clergymen failed to reconcile differences between ‘leg’ and ‘breast’ men during a recent meeting of the General Synod.

Leading the dissenters is ‘breast man’ the Right Reverend John Hield, the 114th Bishop of Worcester, whose vocal condemnation of ‘leggy favouritism’ among the Anglican hierarchy has been making headlines in recent weeks. ‘Leg men are constantly being promoted over those of us who prefer our women a little bouncier’ he wrote recently. ‘Give me a low-cut blouse any day – mini skirts and such are all very well, but in my opinion being a leg man is one step up from being a foot fetishist.’

The cause of the breast camp has also been taken up by members of the African Communion, who have also levelled charges of unnatural predilections at their rivals after pro-gay campaigners publicly aired their support for the leg man faction. ‘Well, they would do, wouldn’t they?’ blasted the Most Revd. Dr. Samori O. Sisse, Archbishop and Primate of the Province of West Africa.

Archbishop of Canterbury Dr. Rowan Williams, who has found himself caught between the two mutually incompatible theologies, has called for calm and reconciliation: ‘Why can’t we all agree just to stand back and admire the full bodily form of God’s creations?’ he asked during a Thought for the Day broadcast of BBC Radio 4. However Dr. Williams has himself been condemned for failing to fully understand the complex issues that surround the argument and of sitting on the fence and failing to announce his own preferences. Forced to act, he has released the following statement: ‘I am neither a leg or a breast man, although I am rather partial to the parson’s nose.’ 

(Written 13 Nov 2009)

Published in: on January 21, 2010 at 8:30 am  Leave a Comment  
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Church of England unveils new relics range

The Church of England has hit upon a recession-beating method of fundraising by reviving the craze for holy relics that once held medieval Europe in its thrall.  As of today, modern ‘relics’ from well-known Christians will be up for auction on the Anglican Church’s eBay store. 

The sale of these relics will raise much-needed funds for the cash-strapped religious organisation according to the Right Reverend Dr.  Stephen Davies, the Church of England’s Director of Online Multimedia Sales.  ‘Every truly devout Christian will want a piece of holiness in these troubled Godless times, especially when we’re offering free P&P for multiple purchases.’ he declared. 

The Church of England is offering a wide range of relics for sale, including holy objects from church leaders.  ‘Robert Runcie’s toenail clippings, John Sentamu’s nasal hair, smudges from George Carey’s glasses – everything for the discerning worshipper – even Rowan Williams’ beard trimmings!’ said Dr.  Davies. 

Money raised from the sale will go towards a number of vital projects, including an ambitious program of nationwide church roof repairs, better quality communion wafers and a fund to secure the services of Hollywood stars to open village fetes and jumble sales across the country.  ‘Speaking of stars, if body parts from senior church leaders doesn’t grab your attention, the perhaps our relics from world-famous Christians will whet your appetite for spiritual wellbeing.’ Dr.  Davies announced. 

‘Strings from Sir Cliff Richard’s tennis racket, bits of machinery from Dame Thora Hird’s stairlift and snippets of Jonathan Edwards’s trademark grey hair are all up for sale.’ The eBay store will also list relics from those popular ambassadors of the faith, the presenters of television’s Songs of Praise – a range that Dr.  Davies is particularly excited about.  ‘Customers will be given the opportunity to buy wool from Aled Jones’ jumpers or phials of spittle from one of Harry Seacombe’s comedy raspberries – a must for churchgoers and Goon Show fans alike. 

One collection of relics that is reportedly generating considerable interest, with thousands of bids already registered before they even go on sale, is the contents of Diane Louise Jordan’s underwear drawer.  ‘Such is the miraculous holy potency of this range, that we have even received interest from non-Christians.’ said Dr.  Davies.  ‘Well, I can only assume they aren’t Christians; looking at their purchase histories…’

(Written 22 Apr 2009)

Published in: on November 25, 2009 at 10:21 am  Leave a Comment  
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‘Shoddy Builder’ God ordered to remove Moon after failing to lodge retrospective planning application

Officials at Herefordshire County Council have issued an enforcement notice to God’s representatives on Earth, demanding that the Moon be ‘taken down and dismantled’.  Local authorities made this extraordinary move after the Supreme Being failed to lodge an application for retrospective planning permission. 

The moon has been identified as a major source of nocturnal night pollution, according to Council leader Phillip Meens.  ‘We simply cannot ignore this issue.  Erecting a huge ball of rock in the night sky and then reflecting light from the sun off it without first applying for planning permission is in blatant breach of the Town and Country Planning Act.’

Council officials have already attempted to contact Our Father through various channels, requesting that He complete the relevant application forms, but have had no reply.  ‘We’ve written to Lambeth Palace, The Vatican, the Patriarch of Constantinople and half a dozen other organisations claiming to have a direct hotline to God, but none of them has bothered to reply.  Except the local synagogue, who told us not to be so bloody stupid; though that might also have something to do with our refusal of their application to extend their ‘beth midrash’, whatever that is.’

The notice will come into effect next week and failure to comply will result in court proceedings, with a maximum fine of GBP20,000 says Councillor Meens, who is determined to push the charge through despite strong opposition from critics who’ve dubbed the move ‘pedantry in the extreme’ and ‘a criminal waste of tax-payer’s money’. 

‘It’s easy to be tempted to let this one go, but I cannot in all conscience do this, as there are just too many safety concerns.  Just look at the guy’s track record: The Walls of Jericho – crumbled at the sound of a trumpet, The Tower of Babel – left unfinished, The Millennium Dome – well, enough said.  Additionally I have it on good authority that He spends most of his time in an ivory tower.  I ask you, is ivory a suitable building material? The guy’s a public menace!’

(Written 31 Mar 2009)

Published in: on November 13, 2009 at 8:50 am  Leave a Comment  
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