Celebrity slammed for poor quality sex-tape

A Former reality show contestant has lashed out at the ‘heartless’ thieves who stole a home-made sex tape, which she had ‘accidentally’ left on a windowsill of her ground-floor London apartment, only to return it hours later with a stinging critique on the film’s production values.

In a Daily Star exclusive, model-turned-actress-turned-singer Keelee Parish told how the tape, filmed with her then-boyfriend, was snatched from an open window, where it had been left ‘to cool’. ‘Well, it was hot stuff!’ she quipped. ‘I was expecting a call from Playboy, Television X or at least Men and Motors, when suddenly it came back through my letterbox marked ‘return to sender’.’

But even worse was to come, for included in the package was a long and detailed list of the video’s shortcomings. ‘The camerawork, the sound, the lighting – all picked apart. It was so unreasonable – do they know how hard it is to make an authentic-looking amateur sex tape? I haven’t felt so degraded since FHM sent back my glamour portfolio with a sticker on it telling me to use a flash and check my exposure.’

Parish slams the critique, which at one point complains about the film’s excessive pixilation, as being excessively unfair: ‘They could at least acknowledge how bloody expensive decent digital camcorders are these days. And as for my ‘wooden yet flabby performance’ – look, I haven’t done this sort of thing since I was dropped from the Safeways ads in 2003 and appeared on the internet with Abi Titmuss – I’m hardly a seasoned professional.’

Parish reserves her harshest words for her co-star and former partner, bear wrestler Steve Steele, who she blames for failing to properly format the film. ‘I feel exposed and betrayed – Steve told me that he’d sorted out the post-production, but it was all lies. To have my most intimate moments in the hands of a tabloid journalist, er, I mean, complete stranger, before the colour balance was properly adjusted – it makes me shudder. God knows what my publicist is going to say; he’ll probably get me pregnant and make me start smoking again.’

Published in: on April 23, 2010 at 7:45 pm  Leave a Comment  
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British soldier in Iraq self-abuse probe

British forces in Iraq are facing yet another scandal after lawyers representing the inmates of a detention centre accused a soldier serving in the Queen’s Rutland Fusiliers of regularly abusing himself.

Iraqi prisoners claim that ‘Corporal D’, a guard at the Abu-Qala temporary detention centre, carried out a systematic campaign of ‘degrading and inhumane’ self-pollution over a six month period. In a joint statement, they allege that Corporal D would ‘disappear into the toilets with a copy of Loaded for substantial periods of time,’ before reappearing in a ‘breathless and agitated state.’

If their testimony is to be believed, Corporal D’s behaviour became worse after the publication of FHM’s 100 Sexiest Babes pullout special. ‘I suspect he did more than pull it out’ one prisoner wrote, ‘We’d hardly see him for days, but we could certainly hear him! The thumping and grunting would go on for hours – listening to that was tantamount to psychological torture.’

‘All we had to keep us going was a smuggled picture of Hassan’s sister in her best burqa,’ another complainant alleges, ‘and there he was with the best lad’s mags money could buy – he was rubbing our faces in it. Well, not literally – he wasn’t a Ba’athist or, God forbid, an American.’

The prisoners’ claims are further substantiated by the fact that the Ministry of Defence has admitted to be examining the behaviour of an, as of yet un-named, soldier. ‘We are currently investigating allegations that a British soldier in Iraq brought Her Majesty’s armed forces into disrepute by dishonouring his regiment and ultimately himself.’ However they strongly deny rumours that this individual escalated his brutal program of self-abuse by using whips, electrodes and cattle prods. ‘No British soldier in Iraq would stoop so low,’ an MOD spokesman said, ‘Deepcut Barracks maybe, but not in Iraq.’

(Written 17 Nov 2009)

Published in: on January 22, 2010 at 9:44 am  Leave a Comment  
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Books replace adult mags in IOW literacy drive

Isle of Wight council has embarked on an ambitious scheme to improve the levels of literacy in the island’s youth by replacing all adult magazines found in bushes and hedgerows with works of literature.

 Spearheading the campaign is Shanklin parish councillor Terry Sharpe. “I was walking through a local playground and spotted a group of kids excitedly poking through some bushes.” Said Councillor Sharpe, “They fled as I approached, leaving behind a well-thumbed copy of Razzle, circa 1997.”

 “That’s when the idea came to me.” He continued. “Why not get the little buggers reading something decent instead of this filth? So I carefully pocketed the mag for safe keeping and replaced it with a Maeve Binchy novel that I happened to have upon my person.”

 Within days of unveiling his scheme, volunteers from throughout the island were combing parks, playing fields and country lanes for old ‘specialist interest’ periodicals. “I’ve bagged three copies of Men Only, a few Mayfairs and an Exchange and Mart – just in case.” Said mag-hunter Mavis Crisp. “I can only imagine the delight in those little kiddies’ faces when they pick up the collections of short stories or prose poetry I’ve left in their place.”

 So keen is Councillor Sharpe to, quite literally, spread the word, that he has even agreed to dispose of any adult magazines himself. “Just send them to me and I’ll take care of them.” He said. “But no more copies of FHM please – it’s gone a bit tame recently.”

 (Written 13 Jan 2009 – one of my first attempts to cash in on Newsbiscuit’s Isle of Wight fixation!)

Published in: on September 7, 2009 at 3:09 pm  Leave a Comment  
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