Britain to swap countries

The British government claims to have solved the burgeoning immigration crisis after it was announced that David Miliband has agreed to swap England with Albania. ‘A large proportion of immigrants come from Albania,’ the Foreign Secretary told an astounded House of Commons yesterday. ‘So why not let them all come over here, while we all up sticks and go over there.

‘With its Adriatic coastline, lush forests and dramatic mountains, who wouldn’t want to move to such a country?’ he said among howls of protest from opposition benches. ‘Come on, Corfu is only a few miles away!’ English nationals are expected to be allocated new homes in Albania, or England-Sur-Mare as it will become known, early next year, and will be given the contact details of their Albanian counterparts in order to ensure a smooth handover of properties.

Once this transfer has been completed, Wales will be exchanged for Latvia, Scotland for parts of Poland and Northern Ireland for the Iraqi province of Basra – a move which, despite fierce opposition form Ulster Unionists, Miliband is determined to push through. ‘You’d have thought they’d be glad to escape all that sectarian violence wouldn’t you?’ he told the house.

‘I’d like to dismiss any suggestion that we’re going to a country that has been plagued for decades by ham-fisted economic management, endemic corruption and chronic under-investment in its virtually prehistoric infrastructure. I am confident that by applying the grit and determination that our nation is famous for, we will soon get our new home back on its feet,’ said the Albanian foreign minister.

(Written 28 Oct 2009)