Teenagers actually did invent sex – in 1906 say historians

Historians working for the Nuffield Institute for Health have discovered that teenagers actually did invent sex.  Their studies have also pinpointed the date for this radical innovation as sometime in the spring of 1906. 

The Nuffield Institute for Health commissioned Professor Pradeep Singh and his team from the University of Newcastle to carry out the investigation as part of a wider study into how attitudes to sex and sexuality have evolved since recorded history began. 

Professor Singh’s team spent months studying contemporary documentation, literature and oral traditions before making their startling discovery.  ‘We discovered that prior to 1906, the human race reproduced by a variety on non-penetrative methods – ranging from sleeping under a gooseberry bush at full moon, kissing when leaning against a maypole or holding hands after dark whilst unchaperoned – the process depending upon one’s social and economic standing.’

‘Then suddenly we began to find evidence of an explosion of sexual activity amongst young people.’ he reported.  ‘In every piece of documentation we found references to teenagers, shall we say, at it like rabbits.’ What Professor Singh had stumbled upon was concrete evidence that, sometime during the spring of 1906, a young couple had discovered, as he put it in his findings ‘that piece A slotted into groove B – and after a bit of experimentation one or two other places as well.’

The race is now on to identify this trailblazing couple and perhaps trace their descendants, and Professor Singh is keen to be at the forefront of this search.  ‘To successfully locate the progeny of these sexual pioneers would be a dream come true.  I’d just love to show them the evidence and ask them how proud they felt to know that their great, great grandparents really were a couple of little f*ckers.’ 

(Written 11 Mar 2009)

Super-villain tells of recession woes

One of the world’s most terrifyingly evil super-villains has spoken of how the economic downturn has succeeded where many super-heroes have failed by shattering his dreams of global domination and leaving him a broken and bankrupt man. 

In an exclusive interview from his grandparent’s flat in Cannock, Doctor Nemesis told of how he foolishly ignored the financial danger signs.  ‘In order to hold the world to ransom I’d drawn up plans for the Nemesis Bomb.  However to build this fiendish new weapon I needed money.  Luckily I’d amassed a considerable fortune from previous criminal endeavours, some of which I’d stashed away in a Northern Rock ISA while the rest was invested in HBOS shares.’

‘Therefore I was devastated when these institutions went tits-up, but I at least had the good sense to have a backup plan – I’d step up manufacture of my patented Death Ray cannon and sell them to interested parties.’ Sadly for Nemesis, his foray into arms dealing coincided with a major shift in military geopolitics.  ‘Then Russia kicked Georgia up the arse and suddenly everyone was scared of them again.  The bastards cancelled their order and I was left with thousands of weapons of mass destruction that I was unable to shift.’

It was then that Nemesis was forced to vacate his Antarctic lair and relocate to the West Midlands.  ‘With fuel costs spiralling I couldn’t afford to heat my ice palace any more.  Also my landlord was struggling to keep up with mortgage repayments as the buy-to-let market collapsed and made it very clear that if I couldn’t afford the rise in rent I’d be evicted.’

Having to move his secret headquarters to his grandparent’s sheltered accommodation; Nemesis was faced with the problem of housing his army of zombie gorillas, but for once luck was on his side.  ‘My hench-apes all quit.  Apparently I was in contravention of the European working time directive by placing them on-guard 24/7 and when I refused to change their hours they left en-masse.  Apparently some have found gainful employment as nightclub bouncers whilst the rest are on a six month P.E.  teacher training course.’

Forced to sell his assets just to meet the grocery bill, Nemesis found himself with a plethora of evil schemes but without the means to carry them out.  ‘Have you tried to blackmail the western hemisphere when you don’t have so much as a firecracker to your name? I’ve had to downscale my activities severely.’ But even these modest ideas have backfired.  ‘I had planned an international atrocity by throwing green custard over Peter Mandelson, only to find someone had beaten me to it just seconds before.’

His latest attack on freedom and democracy has also failed dismally.  ‘I was going to knock on the door of Number 10 and then run away before they answered it, but unfortunately I was mistaken for a member of Fathers For Justice and arrested en-route to Downing Street.  It was only after I was taken to the nearest police station that the police realised I was an evil super-villain bent on global destruction and let me go with a caution.’

Doctor Nemesis, a sad figure indicative of today’s financial woes, is currently appearing as Captain Hook in the Gornal Amateur Dramatic Society’s adaptation of Peter Pan.

(Written Mar 2009)

Lifetime achievement award for inventor of the hole-punch for socks

A British inventor was the toast of his peers last night at the annual International Inventors Guild awards, having being awarded the coveted lifetime achievement award for his invention, the hole-punch for socks.

Bertram Bainbridge invented the ‘Sock Punch’, a device which makes small holes in the big toe area of men’s socks, in 1959 after a female friend complained that her husband had been wearing the same 3-pair set of Argyles ever since they were married. “At the time I was using a hole-punch on some sheets of paper,” he recalled, “and the idea just came to me.”

Bainbridge adapted the hole-punch to cut through woollen garments and instructed his friend to surreptitiously make a small hole where her husband’s toe would be most likely to poke through. “A week later she told me that her husband had binned the socks, fed up the uncomfortable feeling of his exposed big toe waggling about on its own. She then proudly showed me the brand new 3-pair gift set of Argyle socks that she had bought for his birthday.”

Word of this invention soon spread as women throughout Britain, frustrated by their partner’s worn and dated sock collections and unable to think of a suitable birthday or Christmas present, asked to purchase one of Bainbridge’s hole-punches. He was then approached by manufacturing giant Ronco with a deal to mass-produce his invention and the rest is history.

Twenty million worldwide Sock Punch sales later and Bainbridge is now the proud recipient of the International Inventors Guild lifetime achievement award, given in recognition of his services to womankind. “Even today I get letters from housewives expressing their gratitude.” he said, fighting back the tears during his acceptance speech.

Over the years Bainbridge has been asked the same question over and over again: why doesn’t he invent a similar device for Y-fronts and boxer shorts? But despite the money he could make, this is an invention he has always refused to contemplate. “I have to draw the line somewhere. Socks? Fair enough: but an Englishman’s underpant collection is his castle.”

(Written 10 Mar 2009)

MPs turn to the SyStEM following expenses leak

Members of Parliament from across the political spectrum will soon be able put any allegations of financial irregularities behind them, following the introduction of a new initiative designed to negate the need of claiming expenses.

Systematic Streamlining of Expenditure for MPs (SyStEM) is a three stage program that increases the efficiency of individual MP’s finances, thus boosting their meagre earnings and reducing their reliance on the current allowance procedure.

Stage 1 will see the installation of a special filtration system to the sewerage system of MP’s homes. This system filters Human waste, extracting the urine and collecting it in plastic containers. MPs can then sell this liquid to the leather tanning industry for a healthy profit.

Stage 2 introduces an array of small robotic armatures into the furniture of MP’s lounges. Any coins that inadvertently fall down sofas and armchairs are immediately snatched by tiny metallic hands. Therefore loose change that would otherwise be written off as lost is passed back to the MP in question.

Stage 3 minimises any financial losses due to internet fraud. Most online banking systems have ‘what is your father’s name?’ as a security question. This stage erases the name of MP’s fathers from their birth certificates, making them to all intents and purposes fatherless. Bereft of this valuable knowledge, any cyber criminal would be unable to hack into an MP’s bank account – a potential saving of thousands of pounds.

Politicians from all parties are said to be extremely interested in this program, which has been hailed as effective proofing against further newspaper leaks. “This is exactly the kind of thing we need.” commented Secretary of State for Communities and Local Government Hazel Blears. “From now on, if anyone calls us a bunch of piss-taking, money-grabbing bastards we can simply blame the SyStEM and carry on as normal.”

(Written with great indignation at the MP’s expenses scandal 8 May 2009)

New series of ‘The Apprentice’ will see radical new changes says Sir Alan

The format of reality TV show The Apprentice will be altered so that contestants will get a more realistic apprenticeship experience according to the show’s head honcho, business magnate Sir Alan Sugar. 

The new series will still feature aspiring young businessmen and women, each competing to win a £10, 000 per annum job with one of Sir Alan’s companies.  However, rather than embarking on a series of projects, where each contestant is judged on his/her profit making and project-management abilities, hopefuls will instead be given apprenticeships with a number of blue-collar businesses. 

Contestants will be split along gender lines, with the men being allocated work placements at an air-conditioning duct fabricators in Uttoxeter – an environment equally as challenging as any high-flying business enterprise according to Sir Alan.  ‘They’ll be put through their paces, that’s for sure.’ claims the formidable entrepreneur.  ‘They need to prove to me that they can survive this challenging environment.’

The wannabe tycoons can look forward to a series of gruelling apprenticeship tasks, including being sent to the stores to ask for a ‘long weight’.  They will then be judged on how ‘long’ they ‘wait’ before they notice that the storeman is laughing at them.  Those that survive the first sacking will then be exposed to a similar process involving a glass hammer, sky hooks and left-handed screwdrivers. 

A number of small, tedious and repetitive jobs such as sweeping the workshop floor, cleaning the cutting press and polishing the foreman’s car also awaits them, weeding out contestants one by one.  The final pair will then battle it out in gruelling initiative test in which their steel-toecap boots are welded together while their toolboxes are dipped in the galvanising tank, tools and all.  Finally they will be held down by two burly duct fitters while Big Mandy from the canteen paints their genitals with a mixture of engineer’s marking blue and Swarfega. 

Meanwhile the girls will also be having a tough time of it at Cindy’s Beauty Parlour, Maidenhead, where a relentless regime of hair sweeping and tea-making is on the menu.  Successful candidates will then be required to demonstrate their shorthand and touch-typing skills at a local temping agency. 

At long last a single plucky winner will emerge triumphant and will proudly take his or her place at Sir Alan’s side.  This remarkable individual will be able to hold their head up high as Sir Alan utters those immortal words: ‘I’m sorry but we can’t afford to keep you on full-time – you’re fired.’

(Written 9 Mar 2009)

Sci-Fi fans disappointed as rare TV footage deemed too controversial to broadcast

Fans of the long-running British sci-fi television series Doctor Who have reacted with disappointment at the news that a recently unearthed 1960’s episode called, ‘Doctor Who and the Nignogs’, will never see the light of day.  It will not be aired, made available over the internet or released on DVD due to it’s controversial content. 

During the 1970’s, recordings of many classic TV shows were ‘junked’ in order to save storage space by the BBC, who could not have foreseen the demand for these programs with the advent of video (and later DVD) releases and the growth of sci-fi fandom.  Doctor Who was one of the shows most particularly hard-hit, with over 100 black and white episodes now missing. 

Doctor Who fans, or ‘Whovians’, were therefore overjoyed last week to learn that tapes containing an entire episode of the original series had been discovered in the attic of a former BBC employee.  However euphoria swiftly turned to disappointment when it was revealed that the episode in question was the much-maligned ‘Doctor Who and the Nignogs.’

Mervyn Dennis of the Doctor Who Appreciation Society explained why fans are so disappointed.  ‘The 1960’s produced many classic episodes which are now missing.  Many of these, such as The Crusades, Marco Polo and The Web of Fear are considered prime examples of British television drama.  Others are noteworthy for their quirkiness or relevance to Doctor Who mythology, such as ‘The Daleks’ Master Plan’ where the Doctor famously breaks the forth wall, or ‘The Tenth Planet’, where he regenerates for the first time.’ He continued.  ”Doctor Who and the Nignogs’ does not rank among these episodes.’

Plans for the material to be screened on BBC4 as part of a ‘Missing Classics’ night has had be shelved due to the content of this episode, with a repeat of ‘Dad’s Army’ taking it’s place, followed by a ground-breaking 1977 episode of ‘The Black and White Minstrel Show’ where the entire cast appear without makeup.

(Written 9 Mar 2009)

Colleagues’ unimaginative piss-taking forces man to take voluntary redundancy

When draughtsman Eamon Kelly was given the opportunity to transfer from his employer’s South Croydon headquarters to their office in rural Ludlow, he jumped at the chance.  Making this move would not only entitle Kelly to a substantial pay rise, but also a cleaner, healthier way of life among the fresh air and green rolling hills of Shropshire. 

However a mere eighteen months later and Eamon is putting his new home up for sale and handing in his notice, taking voluntary redundancy and joining the growing ranks of Britain’s unemployed.  But what is the reason for this dramatic U-turn? The answer lies in the unremitting, unchanging and unimaginative mickey-taking from his new colleagues. 

At first Kelly found his workmates to be extremely welcoming and friendly.  Knowing that he was a stranger alone in an unfamiliar town, they went to great lengths to involve him in social activities.  ‘They’d invite me to the local pub on quiz night, or take me out for an Indian now and then – it was great.’ He recalls. 

However things started to turn sour when during one tea break, one of his new-found friends said ‘Hey Trigger, pass the sugar.’ – Trigger being a reference to the intellectually-challenged character from TV’s ‘Only Fools and Horses’.  ‘I’ve always been taller than average and I guess I look a bit like him.’ says Kelly, ‘and of course I’ve got what they call a ‘London’ accent, so I took the remark good naturedly and thought nothing else of it.’

But unfortunately for him the nickname stuck and soon everyone was calling him by this sobriquet.  ‘Ludlow is a small town and the name spread fast.  People I didn’t even know would come up to me and say ‘Hiya Trig.’ It was embarrassing.’

Events took a turn for the worse one afternoon when Eamon was at his desk, concentrating on a project.  ‘One of the lads walked past and shouted ‘get in the car Marlene!” This puzzled Kelly as this was the catchphrase of another ‘Only Fools’ character, Boycie.  ‘That opened the floodgates.’ he continues, ‘I couldn’t go anywhere without someone shouting ‘get in the car Marlene!’, ‘I’m not claiming to be Dukie’s father am I?’ or doing that bloody awful neighing laugh that Boycie has.’

‘It’s drove me mad – I tried my best to keep a level head and point out to them that, a: they’re getting Trigger and Boycie mixed up, and b: why didn’t they think of something else to say? But they didn’t take any notice – all I got was ‘get in the car Marlene!’ – constantly! Day in, day out, every second the same bloody piss-take! Eventually I snapped.  I marched straight into my manager’s office and said that either they went, or I did.’

Unfortunately the majority of the workforce is related to the manager, and so Kelly felt that he had no other option but to leave and applied for voluntary redundancy that very same day.  ‘It was a terrible thing to do – I couldn’t afford to buy a new house in London but I sure as hell wasn’t going to stay in Ludlow.  I had no option but to move back in with my parents in Lambeth while I looked for another job.’

‘At least the lads had the decency to see me off after I’d packed everything.’ he continues, remembering how his ex-colleagues gathered outside his house on the morning he departed.  ‘I thought they must’ve felt guilty or something, until I reached for the car door handle and one of them shouted ‘get in the car Marlene!”

 (Written 6 Mar 2009)

Global Warming in comeback bid

News veteran Global Warming is set to make a comeback bid, it has been revealed. Russell Goldstein, publicity agent for the worldwide meteorological phenomenon, made the announcement at a packed press conference at the O2 Arena this morning.

Rumours of a comeback bid have been spreading like wildfire ever since Global Warming embarked on mini-tour of Australia earlier this year, which many saw as a warm-up for a far greater spectacle.

“I can confirm that the rumours are correct,” Goldstein told reporters, “My client, Global Warming, feels that the time is right to reclaim its rightful place in the news headlines. It’s time for headline-grabbing pretenders to the throne such as the economic downturn, conflict in Gaza and celebrity chef food poisonings to step aside.”

Goldstein then announced that Global Warming will embark on a gruelling tour of the Pacific Rim this autumn. Similar to its sell-out “El Niño Tour” of 2006, Global Warming will travel the Pacific Ocean causing freak weather conditions and untold misery for thousands.

The tour will then be extended to Northern Europe, where audiences will be treated to a dazzling live display of an unseasonably warm winter, melting ice caps and rising sea levels. This will culminate in an exciting torrent of flood water – always a firm favourite with Global Warming fans.

Tickets for the tour will go on sale at Ticketmaster next week, though additional tickets will be available at petrol stations, coal-fired power plants and aerosol factories throughout America, Europe and the BRIC countries.

 (Written 6 Mar 2009)

Filming of Time Team/Wrestling crossover descends into chaos

Filming of an experimental Time Team/World Wresting Experience crossover show was cancelled yesterday after a fracas developed over the discovery of a medieval stone structure.

The show, designed by Channel 4 bosses to improve flagging ratings and generate interest in archaeology in young people, was supposed to show glamorous American wrestling stars excavating alongside Tony Robinson and his team at a dig in the grounds of Hereford cathedral. 

Channel 4 insiders state that recording started genially enough, with the stars of the show Robinson, Mick Aston and Phil Harding seemingly unperturbed by the imposing presence of the giants of professional wrestling.  Both groups enjoyed exchanges of light banter as archaeologist and wrestler alike debated suitable dig locations in the Bishop’s Gardens, based on geo-phys results taken by former bodybuilder turned World Tag Team champion, ‘Mr.  USA’ Tony Atlas. 

Soon a number of trenches were carefully dug, courtesy of Mick ‘The Dig’ Worthington with the assistance of The Great Khali, his impressive 7 foot 3 inches frame showing as much contempt for the earth as the pythons and Bengal tigers he is reputed to have battled in India before unleashing his talents in the ring.  Trowels out, the combined teams painstakingly unearthed artefact after fragile artefact, including pottery shards, floor tiles and even a complete, though poorly preserved medieval slipper. 

As filming progressed, records expert Robin Bush pored through the crumbling tomes held within the cathedral’s famous chained library before treating a number of awed wrestlers to lecture on the Mappa Mundi: the amazing medieval world map, bought out of its protective casing especially for the occasion. 

It was during filming of this talk that crew members noticed that something was awry.  On the fringes of the dig site, colourfully masked wrestler Rey Mysterio and comeback veteran ‘Stone Cold’ Steve Austin had uncovered a stone structure.  ‘Mysterio was convinced that it was the remains of an earlier south transept wall.’ said a cameraman, ‘but Austin maintained that it was merely part of an outlying structure – an almshouse or somesuch.’

Tempers flared and soon the pair was grappling across the site, tumbling into trenches and scattering diggers and production crew alike.  According to witnesses Phil Harding’s trademark hat was sent flying as he was knocked over, whilst Mick and Tony were badly bruised as they vainly tried to pull the wrestlers apart., But they were unable to budge these battling warriors, who by now were getting perilously close to the priceless Mappa Mundi. 

‘I heard Robin shouting ‘please, someone stop them! Oh my god the map!” said the Bishop of Hereford who was looking on aghast.  ‘If Mysterio had used his trademark West Coast Pop at this point, Austin would have been sent spinning straight through the fragile sheet of velum and our priceless map would have been in tatters.’ Luckily, one quick-thinking member of the Time Team crew, historian Guy de la Bédoyère, stepped in just in time.  ‘All seemed lost, but suddenly, from out of nowhere, up pops Guy who, quick as a flash, twats both of them across the head with a shovel.’

Sadly by the time these wrestling titans had been subdued, time was rapidly running out and with light failing it was decided to abandon filming.  Archaeologically the experiment was a failure; however Channel 4 producers are unrepentant.  ‘It made bloody good television.’ said a spokesman.  In fact other channels have already started to sit up and take notice, with rumours that BBC1 has already filmed a pilot episode of ‘Songs of Praise East/West Coast Rap Wars’ at Salisbury Cathedral with Aled Jones and gangster rapper Krazee-Eyez Killah.

(Written 4 Mar 2009)

British Zombies bemoan UK brain drain

Britain’s zombies are feeling the pinch as the brain drain that has been affecting this nation for a number of years intensifies.  As the recession bites deeper and funding dries up, record numbers of highly qualified professionals are departing from these shores to settle abroad, leaving businesses and institutions bereft of talent and the undead of a quality food source. 

According to statistics there are now 3.247 million British-born people living abroad, of whom more than 1.1 million are highly-skilled university graduates.  The most popular destinations are English-speaking countries such as the USA and Canada, and holiday areas like France and Spain.  Countries, believes Ken Gregson of the RSPCZ, which most zombies cannot afford to emigrate to. 

‘When they die most zombies have their bank accounts closed and their savings shared between relatives and the taxman.’ he says.  ‘Those that do have some money stashed away in some mouldering sack find that their passports expired decades ago or that they are unable to get travel insurance on account of being declared legally dead.  Consequently many of our shambling cousins are unable to follow their primary source of sustenance.’

Zombie expert Professor Thadeus Hutton (1907-1986) concurs.  ‘Highly-qualified professionals are being actively targeted by countries such as Australia and New Zealand.  Tasty doctors, succulent teachers and hearty scientists are going in droves, leaving us with tasteless hairdressers, bland road sweepers and dull and insipid media studies students.  Our quality of ‘life’ is suffering as a result.’

Hutton is dismissive of critics who point out that emigration is offset by the large numbers of highly-skilled immigrants moving to Britain to replace those leaving.  ‘Your average dumpling-brained Czech or pickled cabbage Pole isn’t a patch on a light-yet-filling Cambridge physicist, and have you tried one of those Indian computer programmers? My backside was red-hot for days! Mind you I had accidentally left it lying on the radiator all week, but my point remains valid.’ he maintains.

 (Written 3 Mar 2009)