‘Keep Calm and Regularly Check Your Prostate’ a slogan too far say consumers

Charity group Cancer Research UK has come under fire from angry consumers after its latest awareness campaign: ‘Keep Calm and Regularly Check Your Prostate’, was blasted as taking the popular ‘Keep Calm and…’ theme beyond its logical limits.

Activist and Consumer Action Group spokesman Howard Slead has accused Cancer Research UK of ‘really taking the Mickey.’ ‘Over the last few years posters, T-shirts and albums have encouraged the British consumer to keep calm and chill out, have a cuppa, eat a muffin and so on ad-nauseum,’ he said. ‘Come on guys; I support the fight against prostate cancer as much as the next man, but you could at least do something original rather than cling to the same tired old meme as everyone else.’

The ‘Keep Calm and Carry On’ phenomenon first occurred in 2000 after the discovery of an original 1939 poster, designed to calm the population in the event of a Nazi occupation. Since then the slogan has been adapted for thousands of mainly ‘humorous’ uses. However, according to Slead, the public’s appetite for such Blitz-spirit whimsy is on the wane. ‘I can see how such a slogan can lift the spirits, be it in the face of economic disaster or the imminent threat of Jackbooted invaders,’ he admitted, ‘but it’s been twelve years now and the novelty is really wearing thin – in fact there’s a brand new zeitgeist for you right there: ‘this is really wearing a bit thin’.’

Cultural historian Professor Nigel Faraday also believes the time is right for change. ‘There are hundreds of other wartime-era posters that organisations, businesses and advertising agencies can bandwagon into annoyingly ubiquitous catchphrases. ‘Dig for Victory’ could be adopted by the Allotments Association; ‘Is Your Journey Really Necessary?’ might become a motto for Central Trains, while ‘Loose lips Sink ships’ could be adapted for Costa Cruises for example.’

With pressure groups calling for Cancer Research UK to rethink their publicity strategy and angry crowds gathering outside their London headquarters, the government has been forced to step in, with The Right Honourable Francis Maude MP calling for understanding and restraint. ‘All this fuss over a catchphrase – there really are more important things to get indignant about you know? My advice is just to keep calm and – oh, I’ve just made things worse again haven’t I?’

Facebook user who clicked ‘share’ button saddled with $20M portfolio

A self-confessed social networking addict is twenty million US dollars in the red today, after repeated use of the Facebook ‘share’ function saw her accidently pledging to buy hundreds of thousands of shares in the company.

‘Facebook is the natural place to showcase my sunny nature and wacky sense of humour,’ said Bristol teaching assistant Brenda Stockton. ‘I love sharing funny videos and the like – have you seen that one with the slow loris being tickled yet? – but what I didn’t know was that by pressing the ‘share’ button you are actually beholden to buy stocks in Facebook when they’re floated later this year. Apparently it’s in the new terms and conditions.’

Stockton, 28, first unwittingly added to her stocks and shares portfolio on Monday, just seconds after the world’s largest social networking site announced plans for a stock market flotation. ‘I’d just put a link to an inspirational poem about friendship and sisterhood onto my wall when my husband suddenly noticed that Lloyds TSB Share Dealing had taken some money out of our online bank account. By the time I’d finished showing off my latest Bejewelled Blitz score we were practically bankrupt.’

The Financial Services Authority has today warned of the current dangers to Facebook users. ‘The ‘share button has recently been changed to a ‘shares’ button – that extra ‘s’ is very important. Distributing excess numbers of pointless tat: be it a youtube clip, personality quiz or overly saccharine verse is a sure-fire way of getting poked by your bank manager,’ warned an FSA spokesman, ‘and also of looking a bit of an annoying twat with too much time on your hands.’

However these words have come too late for Stockton, who is now facing the threat of repossession, fraud charges and divorce proceedings. ‘I’ve also had to put up with Mark Zuckerberg making creepy comments about the photos of me in a bikini during a hen-weekend in Malaga – I wish I’d never accepted his friend request now and I’ll be buggered if I can work out how to unfriend him.’

Outrage as new strain of Myxomatosis introduced into Meerkovo

Animal rights activists have reacted in horror today, after the exponential rise in Meekat numbers throughout Europe forced Russian authorities to introduce a genetically modified strain of the Myxomatosis virus into the village of Meerkovo.

Meerkat numbers have grown massively in the last couple of years, from a solitary ‘uber’ Meerkat to a ‘plague of biblical proportions’, explained Youlia Rochenko, head of the Moscow State Pest Control Authority. ‘What started off as one Meerkat on a TV advert has rapidly increased to a whole village full of them and they’re now spreading to other European countries – infiltrating nation states by being boxed up and sold with insurance policies. There is an urgent need to keep these vermin down in a humane way that does not invalidate our no-claims bonuses.’

The ramifications of the Myxomatosis outbreak are already affecting the marketing industry, with the makers of insurance commercials hastily rewriting their scripts. ‘Have you any idea how the 9pm watershed restricts sales?’ complained one advertising executive. ‘Our latest campaign was due to feature a Slavic Meerkat handing out cuddly toys to bemused members of the insurance-buying public, but we’ve now had to change that to footage of a near-blind Aleksandr Orlov crawling along the ground before being shot by a farmer to put him out of his misery.’

Critics have blasted the introduction of Myxomatosis into the Russian Meekat population as ‘barbaric’. ‘This action that the Russian government has taken is poorly thought out, hasty and cruel,’ said one activist. ‘We are still seeing the fallout from the original introduction of Myxomatosis in Australia in the 1950s, so the fact that they have gone ahead and repeated that tactic is reckless in the extreme. Plus my car insurance is due for renewal and my grandson’s birthday is coming up – do these people have any feelings?’

As international criticism mounts and negotiations begin to send an emergency RSPCA rescue mission to save the listless, shivering and starved citizens of Meekovo, the Russian government has defended its actions. ‘Would you rather us roam the streets, blasting away with rifles? This is a delicate operation, not a British badger cull!’ said Prime Minister Vladimir Putin, who has personally taken charge of the project. ‘This isn’t a knee-jerk reaction; we have carried out painstaking research to find the most painless way possible to eliminate these creatures – at one point we nearly crashed the servers of comparethebiologicalweaponry.com.’

Born of an unholy alliance between Vertically Challenged Giant and jp1885

Cash-strapped Britain could go ‘gay for pay’ warns Cameron

The Prime Minister has warned pro-Europeans within the coalition that greater financial integration into the Eurozone would destabilise the pink pound and force the nation to go ‘gay for pay’.

‘Just as straight actors in the adult film industry appear in homosexual movies in order to earn some extra ready cash, so the British economy becoming Euro-curious would make us increasingly vulnerable to the raving lenders in northern Europe,’ Cameron told Europhile colleagues.

In a no-holds-barred message, Cameron cited the example of Greece, which was obliged to literally ‘go Greek’ last year. ‘Athens is now on the receiving end of its creditors – from the bears in Scandinavia, all the way across to the Pacific rim. Closer to home, Ireland is also fully beholden to its Johns and must repeatedly go cap – in this case a peaked black leather one – in hand.’

The Prime Minister has strongly denied accusations of homophobia: ‘some of my best friends are European finance ministers – I have no problem with what they do, so long as it’s done with consenting sovereign states in the privacy of their own economic sphere, but it’s simply something that I’m not comfortable with.

Cameron’s warning has been fully endorsed by the Spanish government. ‘It’s not just a case of putting scatter cushions around the place or playing songs from the shows,’ said a spokesman for the Ministerio de Economía y Hacienda. We bent over backwards but riding bareback with the Germans is no laughing matter – have you any idea what the kind of stuff they’re into? Thank God we’ve got France acting as a lucky Pierre; without them as intermediary we wouldn’t be able to look Europe in the face.’

With manly handshakes to Quaz and Gerontius

Costa to sell coffee enemas

High street coffee outlet chain Costa Coffee has announced that, following a successful pilot scheme in Manchester, they will be offering coffee enemas to their customers.

‘People have been cleansing themselves with coffee enemas for centuries,’ explained spokesperson Tana Morrison. ‘And at Costa we’re all about coffee, so for us this is a natural progression. As of Friday, patrons will be able to flush out their systems with a refreshing Cappuccino, douse their digestive tract with a milky Latte or pump themselves full of a sultry Mocha.’

However the scheme has already drawn criticism from some quarters, with customers alleging that the enema options were not properly explained. ‘All I did was pop in for my usual morning pick-me-up,’ complained office worker Nigel Storridge. ‘Next thing you know they’re shoving a Macchiato up me jacksie! Thank god that shot of hazelnut syrup helped lube things up else I’d be sitting in a puddle of foam right now. Oh, and Costa, a word to the wise: complementary Biscotti – bad idea…’

Applying both Lynx and Impulse creates ‘perfect sexual null point’

Medical researchers at the prestigious Edinburgh University have made a breakthrough in the fight against overly attractive people after discovering that simultaneously applying popular deodorants Lynx and Impulse renders the wearer completely unattractive to both sexes – thus creating what scientists term a sexual null point.

According to lead researcher Professor Soren Lorensen, his team were surprised at how this simple solution worked. ‘The Lynx effect is an long-established phenomenon that drives women mad with desire, whilst it is well know that men can’t help acting on Impulse. Bringing such two efficacious compounds together should have created a formidable aphrodisiac, but in fact it’s exactly the opposite – the two deodorants actually cancel each other out, forming a pheromonal vacuum.’

Sorensen recently revealed his motivation in the quest for unattractiveness: ‘being a tall, blonde Scandinavian who works out regularly is a major hindrance when it comes to the serious world of medical science – have you ever tried searching for a cure for cancer when all your assistants keep swooning at you? This new discovery is the holy grail for attractive scientists such as myself – I can now get on with my important work without having to fend off awkward misunderstandings from Barry in genetics.’

However many have accused Sorensen and his team of playing God and meddling in matters which no man aught. ‘What’s wrong with a stranger impulsively buying a woman flowers?’ asked fellow scientist Professor Sheila Dunn. ‘I certainly wouldn’t complain – it’s not easy to meet a man when you spend most of your life crouched over a mass spectrometer. The last person to buy me flowers was my mother after my team failed to make the qualifying stages of University Challenge.’

Others have blasted the research as ‘hokum’, claiming that the discovery has nothing to do with medical science but is merely an unconscious reaction to hygiene product advertising. ‘It’s very sad that such an eminent scientist could be so easily swayed by two well-known advertisement campaigns,’ said TV physicist Dr. Brian Cox. ‘It only goes to show that even some of our most brilliant minds are just as susceptible to product placement as ordinary people. How far the mighty have fallen: I have nothing but pity for the man – simples.’

An appeal…

…on behalf of the Abandoned Shower Gel Foundation.

Every year thousands of bottles of shower gel are being abandoned – left to gather dust in bathroom cabinets, corner shower shelving units and the back of the sock drawer.

Given as presents by unthinking wives and aunties, these innocent shower gels are left neglected by their owners: unopened, unused, unloved – except when someone forgets to replenish the soap. Many are sold as part of a two pack with some deodorant, which is quickly used while the shower gel can only look on forlornly.

But there is hope.

The Abandoned Shower Gel Foundation is dedicated to finding new homes for these poor semi-liquids. Every day we rescue hundreds of bottles of shower gel from middle aged men and re-house them with younger people; those more caring about their washing routine, grooming products and personal odour.

But we cannot continue without your help. Please give as much as you can to the Abandoned Shower Gel Foundation – just £2.50 will pay for the postage to send a bottle of Lynx Africa wash gel to someone who showers more than once a week, doesn’t prefer Imperial Leather and/or would rather a nice bath.

Please give generously and remember, a bottle of shower gel is not just for Christmas (and possibly your birthday).

Chilly freezer aisle shoppers to be given free cuddle

Shoppers of frozen foods at Waitrose are in for a treat as of today, for the upmarket superstore chain will be offering a free cuddle to anyone who ‘looks a bit chilly’ after emerging from the freezer aisle.

‘In these warm summer months we have customers coming into our stores wearing shorts and T-shirts,’ revealed marketing manager Lorraine Tudor. ‘Which is fine until you get to the frozen goods section – the amount of people we see visibly shivering while they pick up their Hagen Daas – having a cuddly member of staff in a thick woolly jumper to give them a hug is yet another example why Waitrose is top when it comes to the shopping experience.’

Consumer groups have welcomed the move: ‘the free hug is a fantastic innovation, and great value for money too,’ said Mike Carpenter of Which? Magazine. ‘Normally you have to pay for that sort of thing. Now all we need to do is find the store with the most attractive women and/or pray to God that Anne Summers takes note and starts a similar scheme.’

South London man offers ‘self offence’ classes

The rapid descent of Britain’s inner cities into a seething pressure cooker of poverty, fear and violence has inspired a South London entrepreneur to ‘cut out the middleman’ by offering classes on how to menace, rob with violence and generally inflict grievous bodily harm upon oneself.

‘Crime statistics show that you’re ever more likely to get done over,’ claimed businessman and former cage fighter Perez Wilson. ‘It’s high time we took back our streets – depriving those vicious thugs that roam them of their livelihood by assaulting ourselves before they can get to us, thus leaving them with nothing to rob. It’s a form of empowerment – to paraphrase Mike ‘The Streets’ Skinner, -do- mug yourself.’

Potential victims are already flocking to the karate blackbelt’s Southwark Dojo, where Wilson offers a number of modules, from Self-Intimidation and the Correct Wearing of a Hooded Top, right through to Staging a Stabbing or Shoot-out in Your Own Home. ‘The results speak for themselves,’ he said. ‘Time after time my customers have staggered bleeding through a dark alleyway with absolute impunity. The crooks can only look on powerless – occasionally offering medical assistance to some of our more advanced students.’

Some have accused Wilson and his acolytes of taking things too far, claiming that A&E wards across London are reaching meltdown due to the large numbers of self-assaulted people. ‘It’s pandemonium every night,’ claimed one junior doctor. ‘We’re seeing patients who’ve blacked their own eye, broken their nose or cracked a few of their own ribs – we even had one nutter last weekend who robbed his own store and then set himself alight – which was particularly annoying as I was hoping to help myself to a Blu-Ray player on the way home.’

Wilson however remains unrepentant: ‘yes my customers are injuring themselves, but in doing so they’re sending a message to that whole sub-strata of society that thinks it’s okay to rob innocent people. At long last the general public is standing up for itself – if they want to beat themselves up and then flog their mobile to some dodgy Nigerian then there’s nothing the criminals can do about it. This is about self-assertion, not self-abuse – that’s a whole different kettle of fish and you’re likely to get arrested if you do that in the street mate.’

Rock ‘n’ roll voted ‘the new rock ‘n’ roll’

Performers and fans alike are celebrating today after a nationwide poll officially named rock ‘n’ roll as the new rock ‘n’ roll.

Rock ‘n’ roll was knocked from its 50 year place in pole position by Comedy, which was proclaimed the new rock ‘n’ roll in the early 1990’s after years of touring the stand-up circuit. However comedy proved unable to capitalise on its new role as über -cool zeitgeist and lost out to a succession of other contenders. Cookery, interior design, Crazy Frog and eating testicles in a jungle all briefly held the number one spot.

According to experts such as NME editor Skinz Robertson, the late resurgence of rock ‘n’ roll is a response to what is perceived to be a nadir in popular cultural phenomenon. ‘To my mind the rot started when Brian Cox stepped away from his keyboard and started mucking around with quarks and stuff. Once particle physics became the new ‘n’ roll I think the nation woke up and realised we had reached the bottom of the barrel. Particle bloody physics! I mean come on!’

Music icon and early rock ‘n’ roll proponent Joe Brown has urged fans against complacency now their favourite genre is back at the top of the hit parade: ‘we can’t rest on our laurels guys or something else will come along to knock us off our perch. If you kids don’t keep this wagon rolling then suddenly carp fishing, needlepoint, yogurt or whatever will become the new rock ‘n’ roll and we’ll be left with an old pair of brothel creepers, a silly haircut and poor hearing.’

However in the main, rock legends from across Britain have enthusiastically welcomed the result: ‘this is fantastic news,’ said Rolling Stones front-man Mick Jagger. ‘It’s like rock ‘n’ roll has come home to roost and reclaim its position as the raw, edgy and innovative art form that it once was. Plus it’s a great excuse to drink, take drugs and sleep around without looking like sad old farts desperate to relive our youth – by the way, what’s Marianne Faithfull up to nowadays?’