Fancy dress parties ‘discriminating against the unimaginative’

The hosts of themed fancy dress parties could be unwittingly discriminating against less creative and imaginative people, who are statistically less likely to turn up wearing a decent costume, a recent study has concluded.

Research carried out on behalf of the Equality and Human Rights Commission revealed that a large proportion of the British public feel ‘a palpable sense if dread’ when invited to fancy dress parties: ‘Most people simply do not have the time and money to invest in knocking up a Buzz Lightyear outfit out of cereal boxes and plastic containers for example; their creative abilities notwithstanding.’

‘Researchers interviewed over 13,000 married couples, many of whom told the same harrowing story,’ Baroness Margaret Prosser of Battersea OBE, deputy chair of the commission, revealed. ‘The pressure to concoct a realistic costume that is also witty and clever in its interpretation is immense. Statistics have proved that even the minimum standard Charlie Chaplin moustache is beyond most people.’

Mr. and Mrs. B of Nantwich is a case in point. ‘Our neighbour invited us to a Star Wars themed party a while ago – it was terrible. The lengths some people went to – a full length Wookie costume, a brightly burnished C3P0 and some guy done up like Darth Maul, spikes and all. And then there was us: my ‘Han Solo’ husband in his work shirt, trousers and a black leather waistcoat from his Quo days which wouldn’t even do up any more; and me in my brown ‘Jedi’ dressing gown – I felt a right fool!’

To combat this problem, the Equality and Human Rights Commission has announced a series of roadshows, designed to encourage party organisers to think about the needs of those less fortunate than themselves and include a non-dress up option on their invitations. The Commission will also be distributing fancy dress information packs – full of useful hints, tips and cut-out fake noses for the budding, if inept, costume creator. The precise contents of this pack will be unveiled next month at the EHRC’s annual summer ball – theme: the Baroque Court of The Sun King, Louis XIV.

McDonalds to sell burgers upside down

Fast food giant McDonalds has stolen a march on it’s competitors today by announcing that it is improving ‘the burger dining experience’ by selling it’s products upside down. The move, scheduled to begin next week, is designed to eliminate the need for the consumer to flip over their burger halfway through the meal to avoid the disappearance of the bottom half of the bun.

According to McDonalds spokesperson Claire Haslet, one of the greatest perils in eating this type of fast food is the disproportionate rate at which the bottom half of the bap is consumed, compared to the top half. ‘Try as you might, you always end up with more on top than you do underneath, necessitating a 180 degree Big Mac inversion at some point to stop unnecessary gherkin spillage.’

‘Selling their products upside down will make this manoeuvre a thing of the past, as what was the bottom half of the burger will become the top half of the burger, and vice-versa.’ she revealed. ‘We are also looking at ways of further enhancing the McDonalds meal journey by changing the design of the little boxes our fries come in – further differentiating them from cardboard, and by fitting our beakers with small solar powered pumps and 2 inch diameter straws, thus reducing the risk of sustaining a hernia whilst drinking one of our thick shakes.’

Eponymous Mysterious Girl ‘not really that mysterious’ admits Peter Andre

The media circus surrounding pop sensation Peter Andre since the break up of his marriage to model Jordan has gone into overdrive today, after the singer admitted that the inspiration behind his 1995 hit Mysterious Girl wasn’t actually as enigmatic as his lyrics make out.

Speaking on the popular breakfast show GMTV, Andre, famous as much for his six-pack stomach as his string of top ten hits, told presenter Kate Garraway how he first met his muse whilst holidaying on the Caribbean island of St. Lucia. ‘Occasionally I’d catch her eye over the breakfast counter at the hotel,’ he revealed, ‘I kept thinking to myself: ‘who is that mysterious girl?’ Inspired I started writing the song that very afternoon.’

However, Andre went on to reveal how the more he got talking to this unknown female, the less mysterious she became. ‘I was like ‘whoah slow down! I don’t need to know all this!’ But every time we met up for a drink she kept telling me extra bits about herself.’ To illustrate his point, the singer then showed Garraway a first draft of the song, bearing the chorus ‘Whoooooooah, Sharon from Stockport, I wanna get close to you.’

‘Hardly the tale of worship-you-from-afar tropical beauty I was aiming for,’ Andre continued, ‘but every time we got together it was again with the life story. Guest vocalist Bubbler Ranx would’ve looked a right idiot singing about her day job at the dry cleaners I can tell you. And the saga of her neighbour’s cat getting in the bins – hardly love song material is it? Or the fact that she took it up the Morgan Stanley Dean Witter – yeah it was great at the time, but does the media really want to hear about that kind of thing? Less is more love, less is more.’

Notorious troll arrested following discovery of goat remains

Britain’s most wanted chatroom troll, who, during a five year reign of terror is believed to be responsible for hundreds of attacks in forums across the country, is behind bars today, after an observant member of the public spotted the remains of several goats next to his lair.

Eagle-eyed Trevor Courtley, 36, was walking his dog through a local wireless hotspot when he came across the gruesome discovery. ‘I was just crossing the bridge and happened to look down. There, lying by the river was this pile of bones – goat bones judging by the horns – right next to the old Cisco router. I could also make out the gnashing of teeth and sound of furious typing coming out from under the bridge and put two and two together.’

Ironically Courtley was himself a victim of the troll, after being assaulted on a popular Science Fiction forum six months previously. ‘I was just saying how much I missed David Tennant and wallop! From out of nowhere I’m being attacked! I dread to think what would have happened if a passing moderator hadn’t chanced upon us and revoked the troll’s username. At least I’ve evened the score now.’

Courtley quickly informed the Internet Police, who placed a surveillance software team in the location. ‘It soon became obvious that this was the troll we were looking for,’ said IPC David McGee, ‘It was a watershed moment – we’d been looking for this guy’s IP address for years but he just kept spoofing. He was always one step ahead of us – changing his Gravatar and logging in under a different ID, so we’re elated to have finally caught him.’ A number of aliases were found at the scene, as well as a badly injured billy-goat, whose condition is described as ‘gruff, but stable.’

The troll, who cannot yet be named for legal reasons, was arrested on charges of animal cruelty, verbal assault and the general unsettlement of the chatroom community. He is also facing charges of virtual arson, following a number of suspicious flaming incidents. Legal experts believe that he is likely to face three consecutive life sentences for these crimes if found guilty, plus 100 hours community service for the clubbing to death of several officers during the arrest.

Barry Scott named as UK sexual health Czar

Following news that Durex condoms is set to be sold to the makers of Cillit Bang, government health officials have announced that Barry Scott, frontman for the popular cleaning product, has been given the job of advising the nation on issues of sexual health.

Speaking at a specially convened press conference, Health Secretary Andrew Lansley told journalists that appointing Scott was an obvious move. ‘With the makers of Cillit Bang now producing the UK’s most popular contraceptive, it is only logical to have the face of that product advising us on such matters. Plus we have the added advantage of Barry’s calm and measured way of getting his message across.’ ‘Hi, I’m Barry Scott!’ Scott concurred, ‘One chat with me and BAM! You’re sexual health questions are answered!’

However the appointment has already drawn considerable criticism, following a disastrous trial consultation in which Scott invited shoppers at the Bluewater shopping centre to discuss their problems in a private booth. ‘I went in to discuss my erectile dysfunction,’ revealed one anonymous consultee, ‘and all I got was a lecture on how to give my surfaces a super-shiny gleam, before being advised to massage my prostate gland and ‘BAM!’ no more flaccidity! All this at the top of his voice – I couldn’t look the people queuing outside in the eye when I walked out.’

Scott is also facing allegations of causing actual bodily harm with his no-nonsense approach to dealing with sexually transmitted diseases. An undercover reporter for the Daily Mirror has described how he consulted Scott, claiming to have caught pubic lice during a one night stand. Scott is alleged to have said to the reporter ‘Hi! I’m Barry Scott! One squirt of new Cillit Bang industrial strength oven cleaner and BAM! Say goodbye to those crabs!’ The reporter is currently being treated for second-degree chemical burns to the scrotum and is expected to be able to sit down sometime in the next six months.

‘Big Society’ latest: Cameron volunteers to wipe his own arse

In a stirring speech made during a visit to the Borehamwood Women’s Institute today, David Cameron added substance to his dream of a ‘big society’ by volunteering to wipe his own sphincter following every trip to the bathroom.

The Prime Minister told the assembled audience of mainly middle-aged WI members and guildswomen that it had always been his intention to lead by example: ‘papering over the crack, rather than expecting the state to shoulder the burden, is what the Big Society is all about.’

Cameron was given an impromptu chance to give a practical demonstration of his beliefs when a planned question-and-answer session had to be abandoned after a WI member who volunteered to wire up the microphone was accidentally electrocuted. Seizing the moment, the Prime Minister took the opportunity to go to the lavatory unaccompanied, retuning a few minutes later to an appreciative applause.

He then went on to outline the cost savings accrued by such a move: ‘doing away with the role of Prime Ministerial hygiene assistant saves the public purse £30,000 per annum. However I have asked André to show some community spirit and stay on in an unofficial coiffurial capacity, as no-one gets that shine quite as good as he does.’

The coalition leader also described how he was also preparing, after a successful three-week trial, to clean his own teeth, trim his own nails and even make his own bed, despite a number of issues regarding the comfort of his official government-issue pillow. ‘Regarding this I am currently seeking some sympathetic soul to offer their services as my personal fluffer,’ he told the assembly, shortly before being ushered off the stage for fear of being crushed by the ensuing mob of eager volunteers.

Russia ‘winning the race in attractive spies’ admits intelligence chiefs

Following the publication of Russian spy Anna Chapman’s Facebook photos, British and American intelligence agencies have been forced to admit that the Russian Foreign Intelligence Service (SVR) is ahead of the game when it comes to the attractiveness of their operatives.

‘Regardless of how inept the SVR’s spy ring in America was, you have to concede that Chapman is quite a looker,’ admitted MI5 spokesman Major Robert Stanton. ‘Who’s the lucky chap that got to do a ‘brush past’ with her eh? That’s one deep cover I wouldn’t have minded getting involved in, if you know what I mean.’

According to Stanton, Chapman’s photos and the video footage which shows her discussing venture capitalism whilst wearing a revealing low-cut blouse, has exploded the myth of the sinister Slavic man-woman agent. ‘The Russians have gone a long way since the Rosa Klebb days, though hopefully stunners like Chapman are still trained to strangle people with their thighs – Jesus… imagine that…’

‘Kudos to Putin for finally getting some proper talent into the SVR and putting the ‘cor’ back into international corporate espionage,’ continued Chapman, who, it has been revelaed, is currently moonlighting as a script consultant for the remake of the movie Carry on Spying.

England will lose next world war, pundits predict

English pride has suffered yet another devastating blow today, after a leaked MOD report revealed that the nation is ‘more than likely’ to face a humiliating defeat, should a world war break out in the foreseeable future.

The report, authored by top army pundit Brigadier Sir Gerald Mumford, states that, given the current state of national pride and lack of faith in England’s abilities, the country simply lacks the ‘backbone’ for a sustained international conflict. ‘England’s Dunkirk spirit is fading and our stiff upper lips are decidedly floppy of late,’ wrote the retired officer.

Sir Gerald goes on to concur with the general consensus that England’s soldiers no longer have the passion that so characterised their predecessors: ‘Today’s infantryman is a pale imitation of the Tommies of yesteryear. These pampered, underpaid players may well perform well in their own regiments, but they simply fail to gel when placed in the national English army.’

England’s defensive record is also criticised: ‘We’re fine going forward, but have a tendency to fall apart during the counter-offensive. Friendlies in Kosovo and Iraq have highlighted this defect – God forbid what would happen against a more professional and determined opponent such as Germany or Argentina.’

This report is not the first time the English team has been lambasted. As early as 1999 concerns were raised about England’s role in Sierra Leone – most notably their insistence on using the now discredited 4-4-2 system, while only a few weeks ago an angry fan broke into Colchester barracks and berated soldiers for their failure to contain the spread of militant fundamentalism in Afghanistan.

Publication of this report has however caused many to come out in support of England’s military prowess, blaming the media for heaping unrealistic expectations on the national side. According to military historian Dr. Nigel Talboys, tabloid hype must bear the brunt of responsibility for the army’s failings. ‘This ‘two world wars and one world cup’ business every time we enter into the smallest of peacekeeping missions has raised national jingoism to extreme levels. It’s not a new phenomenon – in 1939, the Sun, with its headline ‘Fritz War!’ gave away free St. George blackout curtains to every reader.’

Despite this latest damning indictment of the English team, many fans remain philosophical. ‘We might not be the mighty war machine that, from the Somme to the Falklands, fought tyranny and injustice any more’, wrote one military fanzine editor, ‘but at least we’re not run by a bloody Italian.’