Pudding Czar warns of increase in nutmeg levels during run up to Christmas

(Something nicely topical – written 26 Nov 2009)

With less than a month to go until Christmas, Sir David Micklethwaite, the government’s newly-appointed Pudding Czar, has advised the British public to be on their guard against rising levels of nutmeg, cinnamon and candied peel.

In a recent report, he revealed that the street price of such ingredients has fallen steadily during the run up to the festive season. ‘A corresponding rise in seizures of suet, mixed spice and dried fruit means that, despite our best efforts, so-called ‘plum puddings’ are just as readily available now as they were last year.’

Despite repeated government warnings, a sizeable pro-pudding lobby is still calling for the legalisation of such consumables. ‘A little bit of pudding, taken now and then for recreational purposes, doesn’t hurt anyone,’ claims one self-proclaimed ‘pudding head’, ‘I quite often indulge in a bit – it helps me wind down and relax after a hectic turkey dinner.’

However Sir David believes that these campaigners are wilfully ignoring the devastating side effects that result in over consumption of the pudding. ‘While I’m led to believe that the sensation of ingesting it is pleasurable at first, no-one is prepared for the uncomfortable bloated feeling one experiences later on.’ To push his message home, Sir David’s team has produced a hard-hitting public information film, to be televised at midday, every Sunday until December 25th.

The film features ‘Tommy’, who tells viewers how he first started experimenting with mince pies as a teenager. ‘Next thing you know I was on the figs, mulled wine, brazil nuts – anything I could get my hands on – even After Eight mints!’ Tommy is then shown eagerly pouring brandy butter over a particularly large portion of pudding.

The scene then switches to the harrowing aftermath of this session – a red-faced and sweating Tommy, snoozing in an armchair while, blissfully unaware of his fate, the Queen’s Speech is broadcast on television. A follow-up campaign is planned for next week, highlighting the dangers of drinking Advocaat, Babycham and sherry without being sufficiently elderly.

Monopolies commission to investigate overly successful ‘babe magnet’

Employees at a City stock brokers have referred their colleague to the Competition Commission after accusing him of using unfair practices to gain a dominant share in the ‘available totty’ market.

27 year-old Leon Harper stands accused of building up a near monopoly of single women in a ten-mile radius by acquiring a stake in their affections via ‘underhand’ tactics such as charisma, confidence and good personal hygiene.

‘It’s a disgrace – he just has to walk into a club and boom, they’re all over him – bloody fanny magnet.’ complained one male colleague, ‘He should be limited to a couple of girls a month and give the rest of us a chance.’ Another acquaintance is demanding that, in addition to this rationing, Harper also divulges the entire content of his portfolio. ‘What I wouldn’t do to get a glimpse of his little black book – with him around you can’t afford to be fussy about sloppy seconds.’

Harper, however, has defended his actions in the strongest possible terms, claiming that his colleagues’ use of terms such as ‘sloppy seconds’, ‘fanny magnet’ and ‘available totty’ betray a singular lack of empathy with women which, if fully appreciated, would give them greater success of a Saturday night; thus levelling the playing field. ‘All they need to do is actually talk to a girl and listen to what they have to say, rather than just stare at their boobs,’ he told commissioners.

But his accusers strongly disagree with this stance: ‘Oh I talk to girls all right,’ claimed one friend, ‘but none of them seem particularly interested in the intricacies of West Ham’s current defensive crisis.’ Another workmate concurs, maintaining that talking to the opposite sex as Harper suggests simply does not work: ‘I asked this one bird how she liked her eggs in the morning. She said ‘unfertilised’ and then – well I dunno what else she said ’cause of the excruciating pain in my Jacobs. Honestly, it’s one rule for well-groomed, understanding charmers and another for the rest of us. Anyway hot tits, what time do you knock off?’

(Written 26 Nov 2009)