(Something nicely topical – written 26 Nov 2009)
With less than a month to go until Christmas, Sir David Micklethwaite, the government’s newly-appointed Pudding Czar, has advised the British public to be on their guard against rising levels of nutmeg, cinnamon and candied peel.
In a recent report, he revealed that the street price of such ingredients has fallen steadily during the run up to the festive season. ‘A corresponding rise in seizures of suet, mixed spice and dried fruit means that, despite our best efforts, so-called ‘plum puddings’ are just as readily available now as they were last year.’
Despite repeated government warnings, a sizeable pro-pudding lobby is still calling for the legalisation of such consumables. ‘A little bit of pudding, taken now and then for recreational purposes, doesn’t hurt anyone,’ claims one self-proclaimed ‘pudding head’, ‘I quite often indulge in a bit – it helps me wind down and relax after a hectic turkey dinner.’
However Sir David believes that these campaigners are wilfully ignoring the devastating side effects that result in over consumption of the pudding. ‘While I’m led to believe that the sensation of ingesting it is pleasurable at first, no-one is prepared for the uncomfortable bloated feeling one experiences later on.’ To push his message home, Sir David’s team has produced a hard-hitting public information film, to be televised at midday, every Sunday until December 25th.
The film features ‘Tommy’, who tells viewers how he first started experimenting with mince pies as a teenager. ‘Next thing you know I was on the figs, mulled wine, brazil nuts – anything I could get my hands on – even After Eight mints!’ Tommy is then shown eagerly pouring brandy butter over a particularly large portion of pudding.
The scene then switches to the harrowing aftermath of this session – a red-faced and sweating Tommy, snoozing in an armchair while, blissfully unaware of his fate, the Queen’s Speech is broadcast on television. A follow-up campaign is planned for next week, highlighting the dangers of drinking Advocaat, Babycham and sherry without being sufficiently elderly.